This is totally mental. Cheers for sending it Annie, Mumsie and Ryan!
Not only have the Chinese never given the pigeon a year – they’ve only gone and stuck a ‘microelectrode stimulation device’ in some poor dude’s brain, hooked it up to a remote control, and turned it into a robot. Kid you not.
One report says: “Chief scientist Professor Su Xuecheng explained the pigeon does not feel sense of pain at the head and failures will not influence the pigeon’s life. “
Well – Mr Xuecheng – I’ve got news for you – pigeons get headaches just like every other fucker and suffer badly from a constant fear of failure.
And another says: “The report did not specify what practical uses the scientists saw for the remote-controlled pigeons.”
Jesus Christ. Does that mean they just did it for the crack?
Clearly the Chinese are seriously anti the pigeon. Either that, or it’s down to the pigs – see post below. Maybe they really did invent the microchip and are working closely with the Chinese on developing new and totally fucking useless gadgets? Maybe the whole pigeon robot idea is what got them another year…?
Be alright if they were making a bionic pigeon – just like ‘The Bionic Man’. ‘The Million Dollar Pigeon’ – that could work. A microelectrode stimulation device that turned your average pigeon into Ernest Hemingway, or Stephen Hawking. Or, even better, how about this for a headline: ‘Chinese Super Pigeon Flies At The Speed Of Light’?
But, no, all they did was make it turn left and right while a bunch of pigs in white coats probably stood around pissing themselves. Bastards.
Ok – so this year, so the Chinese say, is the Year of The Pig. Why? Did pigs do something special recently we don’t know about? Is that how it works? If it is, then pigs did something special in 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983 and 1995.
Did they help invent the self winding watch in 1923? I don’t think so.
How about the first canned beer in 1935? Not fucking likely – pigs are T-total for starters.
Or what about the tupperware seal in 1947?
1959 – was it pigs that put together the first microchip?
What the fuck did they do that was great in 1971? Come up with the VCR?
1983? The Apple Lisa…? Really don’t think Steve Jobs would have spent hours round the boardroom table with a bunch of pigs.
So that just leaves us with 1995. I know – the DVD!
Load of old bollocks. I bet the pig never invented anything, ever – apart from, possibly, the art of snorting shit through the left nostril.
Then, not only do the Chinese clearly reckon pigs did loads of great things, they also say if you’re born in a pig year, you’re ‘highly regarded for your chivalry and pureness of heart, and you often make friends for life’.
All a pig does is lie about in shit all day grunting at its fellow pigs, hardly the sign of someone trying to make ‘a friend for life’. Jesus.
I should get in touch with whoever makes these decisions and suggest a ‘Year of The Pigeon’. What do you reckon? Loads more deserving. Ok – so we didn’t invent the DVD, but, then again, neither did the pigs.
How about 2006 – the Year of the Pigeon. Why? Because a London pigeon called Brian got off his feathery arse, learned how to type, and set up a blog. If that’s not deserving of getting a year, I don’t know what is?
Otherwise known as the very fucking odd couple.
Fritz just left this in the comments. Had to post it.
A pigeon way too close to the anus – obv after a bit of arse action. Jesus.
Everyone else is doing a runner – wise move – apart from the dude bottom left who looks kinda up for it…
I’d piss myself if I wasn’t a bit scared.
Cheers for the link, Fritz!
A pal, Genevieve Chua, sent me this pic – cheers Genevieve!:
Sparrow: “Excuse me Mr Pigeon, sir? Can I just say that’s a rather splendid bread necklace you’re wearing.”
Pigeon: “Why thank you, pointless sparrow.”
Looks like bird flu is back – big time. First ever case in the UK – and not just one – loads. A whole farm full of turkeys in Suffolk. Poor fucks. Just got over Christmas, and now this.
Suddenly we’re getting all the dirty looks again. Bang out of order – bird flu’s got nothing to do with the pigeon. Nothing whatsoever. Pigeons are fine. Really well. Never been better.
Bottom line is we need a really big dose to catch it – remember this from ages ago: ‘Pigeon’s Everywhere Jump For Joy’? – plus, apparently, the only way to get ‘a really big dose’ is by eating the shit that’s come out of a bird with bird flu’s arse – pretty sure avoiding that one should be easy enough!
Tough tit if you’re a goose, a duck, a turkey or a chicken though, so me and Mart got thinking about the protective mask idea from ages ago…
Came up with it before we found out we were flu free - seen here modelled by Pam:
Just got to work out how to make them turkey shape…
Could be tricky. Jesus.