Going Underground
Running late now so Mart suggested we take the tube. Obv not from Slough coz no tubes dare go that far. In fact, Slough is such a shithole they don’t even have photos of it on their website…
This got me thinking. Another pigeon myth I can blow out of the water.
Most people think we fly everywhere. Do we fuck. We take the tube same as everyone else.
Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof:
Pigeons on The Tube by Roger Highfield, Science Editor, Telegraph.
Route 79 (with a pic).
Going Underground – a report from May 15th 2003 from those in the know.
Of course, I’ll provide my own pigeon cam pics when I get the chance…
Before you do it check the travel info coz it’s a bit fuckin’ unreliable these days, to be frank – another issue for Ken…
A closed tube station in Wanstead – not that I ever go there. Not much happening in Wanstead.
So – here’s a message to any of you out of town pigeons doing the London thing – why fly when you can take the tube?
Here’s a few pointers:
- Look at the map and where you want to go and pick a colour that goes there. Piece of piss, and it’s free as fuck
- Try to stick to the green and yellow lines if you can – not so underground and therefore easier to fly on and off – also means you can avoid the escalators – killer on the toes. Don’t use red or black – just don’t
- When the train comes – mind the gap when you get on – don’t worry, they usually remind you anyway
- Hang near the door so it’s easy to get off – especially during rush hour (8am-9.30am, 5pm – 7pm)
- Try to get the same colour all the way. Changing can be a pain in the arse
To be honest, sometimes it’ll be less stressfull all round to get your wings going… see below for a tube at rush hour…
…but, fuck it, it’s a laugh.
Shit – got to go – we got pancakes waiting.
Karma for Pigeons
Mart just made a good point. Rare to say the least. How many pigeons out there know what Karma is, really – see post below? I’m guessing Eliot does but that’s just coz he reads alot.
Karma, basically, is when you do a bad thing, something bad happens to you.
In people terms; Kick us pigeons as a kid, be warned, one day not so far away we will drop a large one on our head.
In pigeon terms; Don’t shit on a strangers head, there could be a large pie round the corner.
Wise words indeed (just like these).
No Ravens Here, Mate
Right – Me and Mart are on our way to the Spitalfields pancake scramble – see post below.
Before that we cut a quick dash to Ali’s place in Slough to check on stuff. Decided to go to Windsor Castle en route to visit the ravens coz they’ve been locked up over this bird flu thing.
One slight snag, the ravens live at The Tower of London, not fucking Windsor Castle. Jesus.
We put it down to karma coz we were only going to laugh at them.
Tomorrow Night – Free Pancake Alert
For those pigeons out there like me with a bit of a sweet beak – just got this – top tip off – free pancakes, tomorrow, Spitalfields (the cool market near Hoxton where I hang out on Fridays).
Already been in touch with the boys – coming clean, I actually told Mart to perform a swift fly over. It looks like we’re all gonna be there apart from Wordsworth who reckons it might be ‘a bit pikey’ – fucking snob.
Gonna try to get a few of the Brixton posse to come along. Mind you, it’ll be a mental scrap scramble if they do. Maybe I’ll keep it quiet…
Obviously gonna take the cam.
Also just found out the winner gets one of these: ‘a beautifully engraved frying pan’. Hilarious. Hopefully a crowd puller though coz, frankly, the more frenzied pancake dropping action the better.
This is me and some of the boys at a pancake race last year.
Fucking mayhem.
Bring it on!
The pic was taken by a pal – Ed Silver – cheers dude! Great pic!
Monday Mornings Suck – cool pics though
Had to chip yesterday. Mart got bored. Fair enough – and there’s nothing worse than a bored pigeon. So, I got up at the crack of dawn this morning to wing it back to Ali’s gaff to get some pics from the weekend up asap. Knackered. Ever wondered why you never hear pigeons joining in with the dawn chorus? We fucking hate mornings.
Anyway, it was worth it. Check out the cool pics:
This is one I took of Mart. Bit dodgy on the focus front but was just getting to grips with the new cam…
This is a bit better – Pete doing his “Oi – you looking at me?” thing. Hilarious.
‘The Boys’! Check out Derek on the right doing a runner. Hates having his pic taken.
Anyway, that’s enough for now. Off to take some more. Need to work on the focus thing.
Also – this rocks – just found out I’m on the Best Blogs page on WordPress. Fuckin’ a! Thanks guys.
This is quite cool…
Bit tricky for a pigeon, but fun to do.
Type in what you like and get it onto Einstein’s blackboard.
Pigeon Sketch
Another mate, Mr Wolf, has done a wicked sketch of a pigeons skull. I think he may have been a bit worried it might piss me off. But, like I said in the comments, on the contrary. I think it rocks! Good work!
Pigeons Be Warned
My mate Mr Mad sent me this. It’s an article about a potentially lethal threat to some of our pigeon mates in Sioux Falls, US. They even call us flying vermin. Arseholes.
Bird Flu: A Simple Solution
Yesterday I hit the West End with Mart and the new pigeon cam on the hunt for some Tourist Pigeons – pigeons trained in the art of tourist management. Got some great pics, but back to bird flu.
Like I said before, no-one has ever seen a pigeon with so much as a sniffle, not even slightly, never mind full blown fucking flu. Still, we thought we should probably take some precautions, so me and Mart came up with this:
A simple mask, modeled here by Pam who suffers from chronic asthma and normally has to steer clear of flowers, especially at this time of year.
We’re so fucking chuffed with the results, we’re gonna send a full spec to Mayor Ken (Livingstone).
To be honest, I do think we need to act fast. Panic’s starting to spread and us pigeons are already getting weird looks on the street:
Also got news from France that the chickens are out partying, hard. Looks like they may be getting a bit of a break for once:
“The $7-billion-a-year French poultry industry had been battered even before the appearance of bird flu. An initial, ultimately unfounded, avian flu scare last fall had already reduced chicken sales and consumption. The recent confirmation of the arrival of bird flu cut poultry sales by as much as 30 percent.” New York Times International
News is spreading fast and the turkeys are even talking about the possible cancelling of Christmas…
“As mayor, I will defend the good reputation of our chickens, which are known throughout France and Europe. We have to avoid a Hitchcock psychosis.” said Pierre Rolland, the mayor of Loué, a poultry-producing town southwest of Paris.”
Thanks for defending your chickens Monsieur Rolland but, to be honest, I think this Hitchcock psychosis could be the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to us birds.
Pigeon Cam Arrives, And Freedom At Last
Last night was one big hit all round, hanging with Eliot and the boys in Hoxton.We talked all sorts of poetry/art/culture shit. Took it in turns reading some stuff. Wordsworth, who is usually a bit up his own arse to join in, said a mate of his found a top poem on this site called Poem Hunter .
I just joined and signed up for a daily poem – reckon it might fatten up my knowledge of the written word.
Anyways, here it is. I think it bigs us pigeons up alot:
| Pigeons |
| They paddle with staccato feet In powder-pools of sunlight, Small blue busybodies Strutting like fat gentlemen With hands clasped Under their swallowtail coats; And, as they stump about, Their heads like tiny hammers Tap at imaginary nails In non-existent walls. Elusive ghosts of sunshine Slither down the green gloss Of their necks in an instant, and are gone.Summer hangs drugged from sky to earth In limpid fathoms of silence: Only warm dark dimples of sound Slide like slow bubbles From the contented throats.Raise a casual hand – With one quick gust They fountain into air. Richard Kell |
Kills me to say it but Wordsworth read it quite well too.
Gonna look up Richard Kell – maybe he’s a bit of a ‘pigeon fancier’. Not that I like that phrase one bit. Well dodgy connotations.
This is just one of the reasons why – medical research my arse.
Back to last night – to be honest I think Mart gets a bit lost when it comes to the poetry stuff, he kinda glazes over, so he went off to take some pics. Nothing whatsoever worth posting tho.
Wanna know the best bit of all about last night? Delroy rocked up on the promise of throwaway. No way would he have rocked up if he’d known about the poetry. Del is one rude dude of a homeboy pigeon motherfucker from Brixton – only trouble is he talks a bit weird – it’s a Brixton thing. Frankly I also think he puts it on a bit…
“Yo yo yo, main man, gimme yo click ya toe an tick ma feths good style – mo gotton yo pic cam flick”
That, simply translated:
“Hello. Shake my toe. Here’s the camera.”
What a fuckin’ dude though! My very own pigeon cam! A mate of his knocked it up for me. It’s gonna cost me some but Del reckons he’ll wait for the payback coz this blogging pigeon thing is gonna take off (excuse the pun).
Del was happy too coz we scored on the throwaway front with a half bag of warm chips complete with salt, ketchup and vinegar. Result.
So… how cool is this – Me and Mart are off up the West End now to take some pics. Mart said he had to come to show me how to do it. Sad.
Gonna see if I can shoot some Tourist Pros (fully trained pigeons mainly found in spots with a high concentration of tourists – more on that another day).
For now – he’s my first pic – me and Mart swung by Hayes on the way to Ali’s place, and took this:
This is the reason Hayes sucks, bad – it’s such a boring shithole, playing woodchip lucky dip is about all there is to do (which is what Edd and Phil doing top right).
Nothing To Do With Me (at all). See Ya Ken!
Looks like Ken has gone and got himself suspended all on his own! Ha ha. Didn’t need my ‘Give Pigeons a Chance’ petition afterall (was gonna launch it tomorrow).
Now he’s got some time on his hands maybe he’ll give it all a bit more thought? Thinking of rounding up some of my scrawnier mates to sit on his windowsill looking hungry… food for thought (forgive the pun). Ref: Ken food scare post!
Looking into this bird flu thing tomorrow – in the meantime I’m going to take some Beechams and play it safe.
Got to dash as I’m hanging with the Hoxton literary posse tonight (becoming a bit of a regular Friday thing, which is nice). Just had to post this (by flying through the open window of a school toilet – don’t say I don’t go that extra mile).
Allowed Mart to bring his camera this time… could be a mistake…
The Pigeon in History
Ranting aside for a while I decided to remain office bound this avo, mainly to avoid the shitty weather conditions. Contrary to popular belief we pigeons ARE bothered by the wet, and it’s pissing down out there.
Always interested in my roots I was digging around a bit and found this:
The Pigeon in History by Jean Hansell
It looks pretty good apart from the cover pic… what’s that all about, Jean??
Gonna def tell my Hoxton mates about it (they tend to read more – esp Eliot). Probably gonna have to lend it though coz they won’t get round to buying it. Never do.
Plus it looks like Jean bigs us pigeons up quite alot (which is nice):
“Wearing true scholarship lightly, the author considers the pigeon in its many guises:
- as an object of worship from earliest religions to Christianity
- as the spirit of renewal in the Holy Grail
- as the subject of countless legends and fables
- as a messenger in war and peace
- as participant in various sports, including racing
- as part of our staple diet for many years”
Loving the ‘object of worship’ idea! Nice one, Jean. I’ll let you know what I think of the rest of it once I’ve read it.
If anyone else out there has read it, let me know what you thought in the comments.
Taking Action: Pigeon Auction Petition
My mate Ali has just set this up for me. Dude.
Sign up now and let me know what you think about this pigeon auctioning thing. Personally, I am outraged.
Also Found This… Horrific!
Hmmm. Got all excited again when I thought I’d found another active online pigeon… and, Jesus Christ, this is what I found. They don’t seem to know what they’re doing so it’s ok but then… it got a whole lot worse!
They link to: pigeon fucking auctions! What kind of a world is this? I reckon if the internet had existed back in the days of slavery (and thank fuck it didn’t) their sites would have looked somewhat similar. Outrageous! How can they get away with it??? Blatantly promoting the buying and selling of pigeons. Mental!
Really need to take a stand on this one. Seriously.
I Am Not Alone!
Right – that’s it – 3 nights at Ali’s. Top man though he is (although he can be a bit dull at times – Ali, you know it, man! – it’s ok, we laughed about it last night). I’m starting to forget what my nest feels like! Popped out for a throwaway which was cool coz him being a bloke meant I could choose. Seeing as all I normally get from a Chinese are cold noodles, I went for that. Jesus. We stuffed ourselves. No more seed shite for me tell ‘ya! Give me Chicken Chow Mein anytime!
(This was the pic in the menu that sold it to me).
To be honest, was gonna go for the Duck but I feel closer to Ducks than I do Chickens. Don’t ask me why.
Anyways, got back and was on the lookout for responses to my Sniff Test Appeal (see post below) and any fellow blogging pigeons out there (real ones) and I found this, Diary of the Mad Pigeon. Yee ha! At last. Respect fella. I mailed him and we’re in touch now, so cool. Still no news on any interest in The Sniff Test though – will let you know. Maybe my new mate Mr Mad can help?
Also worked on the letter to Ken. Watch this space!
Pigeon Blog 