Overly Aggressive Squirrels – It’s Worse Than We Thought
Check this lot out for video evidence that the squirrels have been flexing their furry biceps for quite some time now.
The Kung Fu angle targeted towards the pigeon may be new, but practicing the art of deadly combat in more of a general sense clearly isn’t. Just click on the links below and you’ll see what I mean. Scary shit.
1. Squirrel punch up – demonstrating a fairly basic boxing technique, but with some frighteningly accurate results…
2. More verbal than anything else. Be warned – strong language is used throughout. In fact, not sure I’ve ever heard anything quite like it.
3. How about one with a penchant for joy riding…? Kid you not.
4. And how about another right up for taking on a bunch of hungry Turkeys! Fat Jesus.
Judging by this lot, the move towards Kung Fu is merely the obvious next step.
The Snowman From Hell
Flying down Carnaby Street late yesterday, nearly smacked straight into this:
Jesus Christ. Call that a decoration? Wtf?
Have to say, were the beak to be a little sharper…
I’d have been sorely tempted.
Happy Holidays!
Your pal, Bri P
Squirrels Up The Anti
Worryingly, and I knew it wouldn’t take them long, but it looks like the whole ‘squirrels getting into Kung Fu’ is starting to take off over here.
Seems they’ve only gone and set up a training camp in St James’s Park. Seeing as squirrels roaming free in large parks is written in the Pigeons v Squirrels declaration, we can’t do jack shit do about it.
Check out the aggressive stance of this cheeky fuck:
Apparently he was practicing the ‘Silent Fence Launch’. A move that, when mastered, can prove deadly for any unsuspecting pigeon passing by going about their daily business.
As a result of observing this and other similarly concerning maneuvers:
I’m no longer sure if a few futile poncy leg kicks from us is going to make any real difference.
Drastic action is called for, so yesterday I decided to go chat to one of the best known faces of the pigeon’s sporting world – Clive (the Dive). Clive is, as far as I know, the only pigeon ever to perfect the ‘Air-Based Backdive’.
This was taken last year just before Clive (right) threw himself backwards:
Seriously impressive.
Anyway, Clive said that diving of any kind probably wouldn’t help either, which threw me slightly.
Back to the drawing board. Then, suddenly, a thought struck, hard. What’s the one thing we can do that they can’t? We can fly! How the fuck that didn’t occur to me before I’ll never know. Squirrel comes atchya with the Kung Fu moves – fly away. Simple as. Take to the air, maybe even shit on his head as a happy finish?
Okay, so some might say flying is a bit of a cop out, but I say it makes perfect sense. All they’ll be able to do is just stand there.
Only got one nagging thought – supposing they’re giving flying lessons at this camp of theirs? Supposing the squirrels of London are learning to fly? Crisp packets for wings strapped to their backs chucking themselves off rooftops. A nightmare thought and certainly not one I’m prepared to dwell on for any length of time.
So, for now I’m gonna pass it on about the flying away idea, tho I suspect someone else may have thought of it first!
Newsflash
Any pigeons out there interested in football, don’t be. RoooRoooo sent me this article. Jesus Christ. Disturbing stuff. Thankfully, I’ve never understood the first thing about football and find the whole concept utterly pointless.
Cheers for sending it RoooRoooo!
Kung Fu Squirrels
How’s this for scary shit. Looks like the squirrels are planning a comeback in quite a big way – using the highly skilled art of Kung Fu. What the fuck?
Shit you not:
Fat Jesus. Thankfully, word on the street is the main training centre is based in Namibia and therefore costly and hard to get to for the average London squirrel. Reckon it’s only a matter of time though. Check out the size of the tents.
Spoke to Mart about it and he suggested we come up with something of our own. I told him Karate was quite complicated and would probably take way too long to learn, and also that pigeon sized machetes were going to be hard to come by this time of year, so we landed on Kickboxing as a viable alternative. Apart from anything else, as it’s leg based, it combats the obvious disadvantage of having wings which can often get in the way when attempting to learn any new sport. So – Kickboxing it is. Can’t be that hard, surely?
Spent the afternoon hunting down fit young pigeons up for a challenge. Here’s one we managed to find – Keith. Keith is a practicing Buddhist and has always wanted to pursue a martial art in order to help him ‘focus the mind’. I told him Kickboxing was just the thing.
Here he is giving it a go:
Frankly, I’m not sure how much damage that would do when faced with an angry Kung Fu squirrel, but I’m hoping he’ll improve in time.
Then I came across this lot who were right up for it:
Particularly the dude on the right. Definitely more promising than Keith. Also seems to have mastered the menacing stare. Vital in any martial art situation. The plan now is to spread the word and get as many pigeons as possible across London to learn or at least think about Kickboxing as a means of self-defense coz once those Kung Fu squirrels get over here, it’s gonna be fucking carnage.
Another Fine Arse Warmer…
…is the simple traffic light:
Not that London’s short of traffic lights, but just in case anyone is thinking of giving it a go, this particular example can be found near Angel in Islington.
The best bit about a traffic light is the gradual upwards movement of the heat. Green provides a mild tingling sensation, whilst orange gives a gentle warming glow, and by the time it hits red, the arse is nicely and properly toasted. Bring it on. Always good for a laugh too when one happens to come complete with a camera. There’s nothing better than knowing all the Met gets to see is a close up of a fucking massive beak. Bring it on, again.
Pigeon Dices With Death
The mighty Annie Mole sent me this:
Jesus Christ. Clearly a pigeon with one fuck of a deathwish, either that or he’s never heard that pelicans have been known to eat pigeons for breakfast, particularly those who are depressed or feeling a little under the weather…
Cheers for sending it, Annie!
Lampposts Rock
Sorry for the distinct lack of posts recently. This is due largely to the fact that I’ve been freezing my fucking nuts off and consequently hanging out anywhere offering even the slightest bit of hotness, like here for example:
Nice, and a favourite of the London pigeon during the winter months.
Pigeon Blog 