If there’s one thing that gets us pigeons, it’s too much rain. Enough to create puddles suitable for washing or drinking, fine, but this? We’re talking rivers running down pavements. The sort any pigeon new to water might actually drown in. Really. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, I’ve just found this. A rather handy detailed link on how to build an Ark. If any of you fancy giving it a go, let me know. I’d love to be one of the two pigeons. I would suggest Mart as the other one but it would depend on how long we’d be on the Ark for. Several months of eye-spy on an Ark with Mart would be enough to send any pigeon totally mental.
He started again this morning. There we are sitting on our ledge in the pissing rain, thankfully undercover, and he goes “Eye spy with my little eye something beginning with ‘R'”
Yesterday it was ‘Road’, today it’s ‘Rain’. You get my drift.
Anyway, back to the Ark. If anyone doubts that pigeons might be useful on board such a vessel, this is the advice from the link above on what to do when the rain finally stops:
Wait for the ark to stop moving about for a period of 40 days. This is a sign that the ark has hit land.
Open the roof window and send out a raven to reconnoiter for dry land.
Send out a dove to look for signs of vegetation. If none are found, wait seven days and repeat this step.
- Remove the outer covering entirely and check for dry land. If the land appears dry, wait for the word of God instructing you to leave the ark.
First off, I think 40 days might be a bit excessive. Surely 10 is enough?
Second, I reckon a pigeon would be just as good at spotting land as a raven. Surely? Better, even. What makes ravens more qualified? They don’t even do homing.
Third, and probably the most relevant, a dove is little more than a white pigeon. Enough said.
Fourth, if the Ark has been traveling for several months, and then we have to wait another 40 days till we come out, let’s not wait for God to give us the green light. We could be there a very long time. Supposing he’s busy with other shit?
All that said, I’d still rather be one of the pigeons on board. Make the other one a dove if you have to. Thinking about it. Could be fun…
As for the seriousness of the matter, it’s serious alright. Check this out if you don’t believe me. The BBC weather man says it’s probably going to rain forever, or at least for the foreseeable. Jesus.
Moving on from the weather before I bore myself, I wanted to share this. Went looking for Doug on Monday. Remember Doug? My thespian pigeon pal who loves nothing better than a bit of Shakespeare? I knew he’d be out there somewhere on the Bard’s birthday giving his all, and he was.
He found a prime spot too. The base of Eros on Piccadilly Circus.
Here he is performing a classic from Macbeth – Act 5, Scene 5, apparently:
“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
I did suggest something a little more cheery might be in order, considering the weather. He ignored me, and did all over again. Far as I know, he did it for 8 hours straight. Any pigeon performing a speech from Shakespeare for 8 hours solid had got to be a record, surely?
Good work, Doug. The Bard would be proud.
I keep getting asked about places to stay for any pigeons visiting London this year for the Pigeon Olympics.
This is Pascal:
Pascal flew across from Normandy yesterday and did what all pigeons do as soon as they arrive from the continent. He headed straight for the nearest Bureau de Change.
For some reason any pigeons from across the channel seem to think that anywhere displaying the Euro is the place to go for information. Well, let me tell you, it’s not. If you want to know about places to stay in London, ask a local.
There’s such a wide variety of ledges available it’s often hard to choose the right one for you. Sheltered? Not sheltered? Do you share, or are you looking for something a little more private?
Back in 2007 I wrote a collection of posts called ‘Brian Pigeon’s Guide to London – London’s Best Ledges’ in order to help pigeons like Pascal find just the right ledge for them.
As 2007 is quite a long time ago now I’m going to be adding some more recent additions to the collection, particularly as some of the ledges I mentioned probably don’t exist anymore. Also, with the number of pigeons visiting London this summer likely to be a lot higher than in recent years, I’ll try to be more specific about their locations. These original posts were more about the general types of ledges around, for example:
1. The Underground Ledge. That’s a ledge near an Underground station. Click here to read more.
2. The River Ledge. That’s a ledge overlooking the Thames. Click here to read more.
3. The Antiquity Ledge. Please note that the particular statue mentioned in this post isn’t actually there anymore, but there are lots more to choose from in and around London. Click here to read more.
Click here if you want to see some more ledge examples.
I’ll be out and about finding some new ones just as soon as it stops pissing down. In the meantime, if any of you spot a great ledge that you think might be worth mentioning, let me know.
Seeing as flying anywhere at the moment is out of the question due to the stormy conditions – big scary black clouds that look like they might fall out of the sky any minute – I thought I’d tell you all about my Easter. I’ve never been a big fan of Easter seeing as chocolate makes me want to heave. I’ve normally given it a wide berth and stayed firmly ledge bound. This year though, Mart persuaded me to venture off.
“It might be fun?” he said. “You never know, we may get to meet the Easter Bunny…” He was genuinely excited.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him the whole rabbit delivering chocolate eggs thing is clearly a load of old bollocks. He doesn’t even have a sleigh for fuck’s sake. How’s he meant to get all those eggs out? By hand? Loads of them stuffed into the pockets of his little rabbit jacket? I don’t think so. Anyway, I decided to stop being a miserable twat and go join Mart and, you know what? He wasn’t wrong. Turned out to be a right laugh, mainly at his expense…
We hit Great Titchfield Street around midday when the sun was shining, and bumped straight into Elliot. Not seen Elliot in years. Elliot lives near Spitalfields and is one of the few pigeons I know who likes poetry.
This is Elliot enjoying a spot of solo croissant tossing:
I’m actually considering suggesting this as a potential event for the Pigeon Olympics 2012.
Then he asks if anyone else wanted to join in? Kick a few crumbs about. Genius.
All went well at first. A nice pass to Eric.
Then Gerald comes in for a tackle. :
That’s Gerald on the right moving in.
He makes contact:
And he’s quick, but not quick enough.
Eric spots a pass to Mart. “Mart! To you!”:
Mart, of course, is walking in totally the opposite direction. “Where?”
“Mart, mate. Over to you!!” Eric shouts again.
“Great! Where is it?”:
Then all of us go at the same time, “Mart. It’s behind you!!” It was like some fucking pantomime.
Still no clue. Walks straight past it:
By this point we’re all pissing ourselves too much to carry on.
I tell you what, if this does become an event in the Pigeon Olympics, I suspect Mart won’t be taking part.
Talking Pigeon Olympics, it’s all hotting up. Everyone’s getting very excited. The final event list is being put together and I’ve managed to bag an exclusive on the coverage. Thankfully this means I won’t be organizing any of if, just writing about it. I’m also hoping to release video footage of some of the key moments, providing I can get the beak around iMovie… Toes crossed. All very exciting. One thing is confirmed and that’s the opening ceremony. We’re probably talking Trafalgar Square, mid to late June-ish. There’ll be music, seed, beer puddles and everything. I’ve suggested we could tie it in with Pigeon Appreciation Day on June 13th. Probably makes sense?
Any final ideas for events, let me know and I’ll pass them on.