This is the kind of bollocks we have to put up with in London these days:
See the scratched bit? Mart reckons it says: ‘Up The Pigeon’. Says he saw a couple of pigeon dudes pecking away at it last week. Bring it on.
Mind you, munching a bit of seed has got to be better than laying a dirty great steaming turd!
Been doing a bit of research since the whole Derek/Alf incident. Turns out depression in pelicans is rife – no wonder – they really are total and utter freaks. Seriously. Check this one out for example:
Always has his head pointing the wrong way and thinks all pelicans walk backwards. Apparently he’s never asked himself why he keeps falling over… poor fuck.
Or this one who reckons flying is all about just putting your wings in the air – no flapping or anything – just stick ’em up there, and hope for the best:
Reason he’s so covered in shit is he keeps jumping off rocks and hitting the deck.
Seems I was wrong about chickens and there’s more to them than just laying massive eggs.
Dr Chris Evans from MacQuarie University in Sydney, Australia has found out chickens love to talk. He reckons “Tuck, Tuck” means “Here is some food”. Totally not convinced by his translation, I looked into it.
Turns out these Aussie ‘chooks’ have only gone and learnt the morse code. How cool is that?
“Tuck, Tuck” = ‘dash dash’ = ‘T, T’, short for ‘Total Twat’. Hilarious. Apparently they were saying it coz Dr Evans was on his knees with bits of seed going: “Talk to me, chickens, talk to me”. Jesus.
Anyway, this is other stuff they say:
“Tuck, Tick, Tick, Tuck, Tick, Tick, Tick” = ‘dash dot dot dash dot dot dot’ = TITS.’Tuck, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tuck, Tuck, Tuck’ = ‘dash dot dot dot dot dot dash das dash’ = BUM – bit of a long way round quite a simple word that one…
Won’t even go there with ‘pigeon’, takes forever.
Turns out ‘Cock a doodle doo’ may have evolved from morse, and simply means: ‘Wake up you lazy fucks’.
Tbh – not sure if UK Chickens have totally sussed the whole Chicken Morse yet… gonna find out tho coz it rocks.
If they have, I’m thinking of getting a load of pigeon pals together for a flyby over some chicken farm somewhere all going: ‘Coo, Cuck, Coo, Cuck, Cuck, Coo, Cuck, Coo, Cuck, Coo, Cuck’ = ‘dash dot dash dot dot dash dot dash dot dash dot’ = KFC. I’d piss myself.
William Deed sent this. Cheers William!
Bunch of pissed up Scots pigeons in Edinburgh. Taken at 10am on a Sunday morning. Well caned. Swearing loads. Knocking down cones and everything. Reckon there could be a bit of a scrap starting too…
Apparently they were actually Glasgow pigeons who went to Edinburgh on a stag do. Jesus.
Ok – bit of a mad week last week – which explains the lack of posts. There I was, just getting into the whole world getting colder and darker shit when Mart goes: ‘Eh, Bri – isn’t it time for Cardiff?’. Jesus. Nearly had a fucking heart attack. Totally forgot about it. Every November loads of us pigeons get together for a big old pigeon conference/wings-up/get-together/piss-up party on a small hill top just outside Cardiff.
One a bit like this:
Just not as big.
Don’t ask me why it’s Cardiff. Probably coz a Welsh pigeon dude called Dafyd Jones started it. Weird up there too – they all say stuff like this:
‘Cynulliad Cenedlaethol Cymru yw’r corff cynrychioliadol sydd â phwerau i lunio deddfwriaeth mewn meysydd sydd wedi’u datganoli. Mae ganddo chwe deg o aelodau etholedig, a’r Senedd yw ei fan cyfarfod.’
What the fuck?
Anyway, it’s a right laugh so, if I can be arsed, I try to go along.
Freezing our arses off, me and Mart headed to Hyde Park where we all meet. Loads of us. Then off up the M4 and hang a left.
Managed to get this pic of us heading off:
Spot Eric, second from top, doing the ‘breast-stroke wing manoevre’. Tricky shit. Tried it once. Never again.
Not surprising tho – arrived and there was a whole load of anti-pelican shit going around. Heard ‘Down with Derek’ a few times. There was even some German twat called Hans – kept going: ‘Unten mit Derek’. Bet he never even heard the story.
Poor fucking Derek. In therapy now, apparently.