The Frank Report
After all the publicity I’ve been getting like the BBC Radio 5 Live interview – see post below – my comedian pal Frank decided he wanted in on the whole blogging thing, so I agreed to let him do something called, ‘The Frank Report’. It was his idea. Him out and about reporting on shit.
For his first one he said he wanted to go talk to the geese in Hyde Park about the issues around getting fat at Christmas. I pointed out that they would probably be fine about it because anyone who’s gonna tuck into a goose would have done it by now, but Frank was having none of it.
This is Frank:
Clearly bricking it and, yes, he is that big.
He told me he wanted to start off on ‘his better side’:
Frank’s ‘better side’, apparently. Jesus.
Then, when a massive goose comes up from behind, he bricks it even more. I point out the goose is probably just getting a bit of exercise. Trying to loose a little excess fat, just in case.
Unfortunately Frank couldn’t think of anything to say, and just stood there.
Then, amazingly, he pulled it out of the bag…
Frank: “So, er, Mr Goose, Sir… might I ask you what it feels like to be a goose at Christmas?”
Goose: “Fuck off. I’m eating.”
Then Frank goes and legs it! Does a runner!
WTF?
I’d stick to the joke telling if I were you, Frank.
BBC Radio Five goes looking for me, Brian Pigeon!
Kid you not. Talk about a top end to a mental year!
Chris Vallance from BBC Radio Five got in touch with my pal, the mighty Annie Mole of Going Underground, asking her about her fave unsung blogs of 2006 – and she said Pigeon Blog! Nice one, Annie! Cheers!
The whole thing went out last night at 11.30 on the Anita Rani show – only turns out Annie and Chris and a bloke called Salvadore Vincent – who writes the awesome Smaller Than Life – another of Annie’s fave unsung blogs – went down Trafalgar Square looking for me just before Christmas! Shame coz I’d already gone off to Greenwich so I missed them…
Couple of pals spotted them tho. Unfortuntely Annie got shat on by one of them – don’t worry, Annie – I gave him a right hard time – said he only did it for a laugh and is sorry if it left a mark. Turns out the one who got on your shoulder was Frank – wanted a bit of the action apparently, just couldn’t think if anything interesting to say – bit of a twat tbh, so probably a good thing.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE SHOW
Lisa, who does PR stuff for me – esp when someone wants to chat – it’s not an ego thing – it’s just a pigeon thing – says a few words on my behalf. Cheers, Lisa.
And cheers again to you, Annie – just sorry I wasn’t around to say ‘Yo’.
Anyway – Chris Vallance is looking for more nominations for Unsung Bloggers of 2006 – it’s for a special New Years Day show – so make sure you go here and nominate yours.
For those of you asking if I’ll be on The Square on New Years Eve – no way – Jesus. Way too many tourist pigeons – usually well out of it on spinnies falling over and making tits of themselves. I’m off to Kenwood House – loads of us go hang out in the trees – wicked view of the fireworks. Much nicer.
Christmas Fun & Games
Top full on pigeon Xmas in Greenwich. Shit loads of us. Turns out all the dudes who did a runner from the Kingston culler set up a temporary refugee camp down there. Decided to get away from the low flying planes in Isleworth. Escaped the pot-shotting nutter only to be faced with the main approach to Heathrow. Jesus.
Last week, when the fog was bad and there were no planes, they loved it so much they decided to do a runner – again. Don’t blame ’em. Rough year tho.
Bumped into my cousin, Simon from Southend – he split up from Sharon. Poor fuck. Gutted.
Even Doug made it down there. The only one of us giving it large with the carols.
This is him doing ‘It Came Upon The Midnight Clear‘
Bit of a shit pic – Mart took it. No surprises there.
Stuffed our beaks on mince throwaway – no pie bit left by the time we got to it. Damn shame.
After dinner we started on the party games.
The sun came out for about five minutes. Enough time for Ed to get into a real fave of the pigeons: ‘Shadow Racing’.
Go Ed, go…
Doing well…
“Shit – where d’it go?”
Twat.
Pissed myself. Good times.
Pigeon Party – Bring It On!
Who says pigeons don’t do Christmas? Mince pie throwaway everywhere – loads of half drunk spinnies – Christmas rocks. Only thing we don’t do is Turkey – bit close to home tbh.
It’s been well scary with all the fog shit recently tho – only flew into a tree the other day. Total full on head first. Shame up.
Check this out – me and loads of boys were hanging out in Hyde Park when this total freak tips up. Tell you what – wish all freaks were this cool – what a dude – he only rocked up with a full on Christmas Dinner…
This was him when he turned up. Think it’s a ‘him’? That’s Norman top right doing a runner…
Then we twig it – fuck me – bring it on – party time!
That’s me getting me own personal out of his hand. Del coming in for leftovers…
Even Mary turned up – lovely.
Mart got in there for a bit of a stroke. That’s Winston on top. Think he might have dropped one… not sure tho.
Weird too cos he was dressed just like the old lady on the ‘Don’t Feed The Pigeons’ poster:
Top laugh all round – total dude – one serious pal to the pigeons. Nice one.
This was Mart – well stuffed – just before he puked.
Pissed myself.
I’m off for a few days to chill in Greenwich. Don’t know why. Just like it.
Have a good one!
Top Pigeon Game
Check out this most excellent pigeon game – pigeons v dulls! Wicked.
Julia posted it in the comments – cheers Julia – but then a bloke called Steve commented – turns out he made it. Top job Steve! A true pal to the pigeons.
Kingston Pigeons On The Run
Heard it on the grapevine about how pigeons in Kingston are up for the cull – didn’t think much of it – Kingston pigeons are usually a bit up their own arse – especially the ones that say they’re from Richmond. Kingston’s a bit of a suburban nightmare – so just reckoned they were bored and probably up for a bit of attention…
Then I got sent this from Spike and Mandy. Jesus Christ. Totally outraged. Even if they are a bit puffed up – they so don’t deserve to be shot by a fucking marksman!
The ‘town centre manager’, Graham McNally, said: “At this moment in time, a specialist marksman will be used to shoot the pigeons. I can definitely say there will be no gassing and no poisoning. The cull will be carried out discreetly.”
Discreelty? Eh? There’s nothing fucking discreet about some maniac roaming the streets of Kingston with a dirty great rifle! Word on the street is Graham’s just pissed he only got to manage a town centre and is taking it out on the pigeons.
Anyway – me & Mart decided to go check it out for ourselves, and bumped into this dude:
Well depressed.
Name’s Alan. Reckons there’s a mass evacuation underway. Pigeons everywhere are shitting it and doing a runner to Isleworth – poor fucks.
Mart made me put this one in. He took it. Reckons it ‘captures the scene’.
Amazing Ring Linking Pigeons
Who says pigeons don’t do magic?
Here’s Plume and Nimbus doing the famous ‘linking rings‘ routine:
Cheers for the pics, Tigeon. Nice one!
Pigeon Blog 