Jesus it’s hot, but we love it. Me and Mart went down The Square today – only place to be when it’s really hot like this. Loads of stuff going on.
Had a right old picnic in the end. Fucking cool.
Here’s me tucking into a bit of bread:
Pain in the arse tho – found out just after Mart took this there was tuna in it – ended up with bits stuck in my beak for hours.
Elliot and the boys came down. This is them hanging out on the wall:
Jonesy on the right reckoned he spent last night at the party of the year down Windsor Way. Some Elton John bash. Said he saw Liz Hurley picking her nickers out of her arse. Nice!
Looks like the whole weekend is gonna be mega hot too so put a shout out to the Brixton lot – see if we can get them up the West End tomorrow. Party!
This was sent to me by Patita. Hilarious. Pigeon headlights:
Check out the story – mental. Basically some knob called Jasper van den Brink had this great idea. Stick lights on our feet and make us fly around at night. Just he forgot to ask if we can see in the fucking dark. Twat. No wonder the poor dude looks confused. Probably totally lost. We hate the dark – it sucks – so don’t even go there. Mind you, quite like the idea of a protest flyby at night – never gets that dark in London anyway… maybe we could just strap some mini maglites to our feet? Food for thought.
Cheers for the story Patita!
Yesterday, I had stuff to do – Mart was hanging around all bored – so I said he should go undercover to Chiswick – see if he can find Mary. He said he’d only go if he could have the cam. I said fine. Then he said I had to call him Special Agent Mart all day. Jesus. I agreed. Then he asked me if he could have one of those special pens than turns into something else. I said I didn’t have one of those, and to stop being a knob.
Anyway – looks like he scored – big time.
“Oh where is he – the lovely Brian…?”
“He’s got to be round here somewhere…”
“I’ve been looking for him my whole life…”
Tbh, not sure how Mart knew she was saying that stuff as she was quite a long way away. Sadly tho, he never got to talk to her. Right after he took this he dropped the cam down a gap in some decking, and had to ask a sparrow called Stan to help him get it out. For fucks sake.
At least I know Mary’s still in Chiswick and keen to meet. Cool.
Meanwhile, Mart’s still going round calling himself Special Agent and hiding behind lampposts.
Correction: Elf Mandinio has just pointed out that I said Pam when I meant to say Mary. Shit. Really hope I don’t call her Pam when I meet her on Saturday. I’d never get to read her my poem if I did…
This totally rocks – sent to me by Mary.
She said: What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a stork?
Not that funny… till you see the pic!
Jesus Christ. Fucking hilarious. Pissed myself.
Suddenly there’s loads of stuff in the news about how people think birds are weird, esp when it comes to babies. Like this article sent to me by my pal Ryan. Says how birds sometimes like one kid more than the other. Eh? Course we do. Jesus. If you got one who’s a pain in the arse and falls out of the nest all the time, you’re gonna spend more time with the other, esp if you’ve got to spend as long with the fuckers as we do.
Ever wonder why there’s no baby pigeons knocking about? Here’s your answer: it’s coz they can’t be arsed to leave home till we kick them out. Crunch time usually comes when you end up with four huge pigeons in one nest – too much. Tbh, they’d stay for ever if they could- get fed and sit about all day. Young pigeons are lazy as fuck. End of. Even when they get kicked out they usually stomp off in a right strop – beak sucking and kicking stuff. Then they hang around for a few days, see if we change our mind till finally they get the message and fuck off.
There’s also one other very good reason why you don’t see baby pigeons – they’re ugly as and parents are often embarassed to be seen with them:
Been doin' a bit of pointless research. How do you say 'pigeon' in …
- Arabic – hamam
- Chinese – buck gup
- Dutch – duif, postduif
- English – pigeon, dove, rock dove, racing pigeon, messenger pigeon, carrier pigeon, courier pigeon
- Esperanto – kolombo, leterkolombo
- German – taube, brieftaube
- Hebrew – yona
- Hungarian – galamb
- Latin – columba
- Romanian – porumbel
- Russian – голубь
- Spanish – paloma, paloma mensajera
Love the Chinese – 'buck gup'. Now I know what to look out for next time I check a throwaway menu…
Weird too – had a dream about Pam last night. Been thinking about her alot. Maybe it's the time of year – hot weather gets us pigeons everytime – or maybe it's just new love. Who knows. All I know is this: Pam is lovely and, although she's a duck, I think we could make it work…
Found this today – fucking cool. I made it onto Aussie Radio!
They were talking about pigeons getting the tube being a random accident thing after an interview with the mighty Annie Mole. So – I mailed 'em – wanted to let them know we get the tube totally on purpose coz sometimes, frankly, we just can't be arsed to fly.
Found this. Pope JP with a bunch of pals.
It's a site called 'Pigeon Religion'. They talk about lots of cool stuff. How we pigeons are 'persecuted' and 'scapegoats for the world'. Nice – not sure we're much like goats tho?
They say how it was a pigeon Noah sent off to find land when he was sailing. Not strictly true. He sent a pigeon first off who got lost and then couldn't be fucked to fly back, so an arse licking dove stepped in: "Oooh, Mr Noah, Sir – please let me go and find you some land…". So he did and, just to be extra creepy, he brought him back a twig. Hate doves. Twats. Anyway – Pigeon Religion – bit nuts, but says nice things about us.
They even say "according to legends, it is said that the soul of a dead human is carried from darkness into light by a Pigeon God…". So – next time you call us rats with wings, or kick us or anything like that – not only will we shit on your head, we might just leave you in the dark for all eternity. Think on.
Keep getting spammed – fucking funny:
This is the UPS Group Company.
To expand our business we need new employees.
We offer the following vacancies
Fucks sake. Hilarious. Reckon I should go for it. Pitch up – maybe drag a few mates along?
"Yes, I realise I'm a pigeon – but I'm looking for a fresh challenge and the area of Correspondence Assisting interests me greatly…".
Presume that just means sticking stamps on envelopes? Maybe I can suggest expanding the role, cutting out the middle man, and hiring me as a courier pigeon? Prob be loads quicker.
Shit – then again – maybe not. Never fancied myself as a nine to five kinda bird.
Went down to The Square today. Joy. No happy clappies anywhere. Party! Just one irritating kid who thought it was funny to run up and kick us in the arse. Yeah, right. Hilarious. So pissed off we started a new game: 'Shit on The Kid'. So – kids – be warned – kick us and a large turd will land on your head you fucking annoying little twats.
Anyway, rant over, we had a lovely day. Hot again and Mart took this. It's me – on the right – doing my 'I'm obese' impression:
"Ooh, aren't I fat."
And here I am about to give Derek a shove:
Pretty tricky conditions. Slipped, missed and nearly went in myself. Shit. Pissed ourselves. Mart suggested we try out the flippers here. I said a bunch of pigeons strapping match sticks and cling film to their feet in the middle of one of London's main tourist attractions is prob not the way to go. Jesus.
This one’s sent to me by Elf Mandinio. Fucking great freak:
She called it a ‘Mohican Pigeon’. Prob a more technical name but, frankly, just shouldn’t be allowed. Jesus. I reckoned the hair piece was an extension, she said it’s more likely a combover got caught in the wind. Pissed myself. Cheers Elf.
Suz sent me this. She runs a restaurant for pigeons in Montreal, Canada.
They get a napkin to wipe their beak on and a nice table to stand on. Jesus – how cool is that. This is the lightly roasted scattered seed starter. Looks fucking lovely.
Cheers for sending it, Suz. You can see more pics of Suz's pals by clicking here. Looks like they got it well good. Get me to Montreal.
In the meantime, my pal RoooRoooo sent me this – it's a goose in Chicago:
Apparently they eat grass and pretend to be sheep. Freaks.
Got Graham to do the being persued thing. Looked more like a scene from Top Gun to me.
Graham fucked off just after I took this. Don't blame him.
Check this out – feeling dead puffed:
Pigeon Blog is recommended in The Times!
How cool is that?
Unlike the weather, which is not cool at all.
Love it. Managed to take this today when me and Mart were out therming – kinda like surfing, but on thermals – it's the sky:
I know it doesn't look like much – well hard to take tho – almost lost it.
Right – this is scary – a gang of serious mafia pigeon dudes in Chicago sent to me by Rooo Roooo. Cheers pal.
Apparently this is their weekly meeting when they get together and talk about shit. Heard there's a serious seed racket going on over there and these guys run it. Mental…
…and this is pigeon rush hour in Venice sent to me by Mike.
Reminds me of Trafalgar Square in the good old days. Love the fact none of them can be arsed to fly. Pigeons after me own heart.
And this is Billy No Mates in Pisa sent to me by my pal Hamster. Cheers dude.
Mind you – not surprised – fuck all to do in Pisa apart from stand on a tower that's falling over.
Anyone else wanna send me pigeon pics from around the world send 'em to brianpigeon AT gmail DOT com.