This is a picture of Bob. Bob is without doubt the dullest pigeon in the world. I have never heard him say one single thing that is of interest to anyone. Not one thing.
This is typical of what life is like for Bob:
Bob: “Hi – I’d like to…”
Ducks: “Shit. It’s Bob. Duck. Pretend we haven’t seen him.”
Bob: “I wanted to talk to you about the exothermic reaction of the internal combustion engine when used in a gas turbine.”
Ducks: “Stay down. Whatever it takes. Breathe through your arse if you have to.”
Thing is, I’d feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such a twat.
Here’s a story that totally freaked my head out. Julia dropped a link to it in the comments. Cheers Julia! Freaked me out so bad I couldn’t bring myself to look at it again, till now.
Boot Sale Bertie’s back. Jesus Christ. Last I heard she’d fucked off on a boat to Africa hidden in a crate of second hand mobiles. Then – all out of the blue – she pops up again, in Devon. Nearly had a fucking heart attack.
Looks like she’s well settling down with her next victims too – the Moor family from Topsham.
“Mrs Moor, 40, said: ‘We went to a car boot sale and this pigeon kept following us about. The chap who owned it said he’d had it for a year. He asked if we wanted Bertie.”
Yeah – right. Couldn’t wait to get rid more like. Thank fuck he saw the light, unlike the Smiths in Wakefield back in 1997. They too fell for the teary pigeon wandering around a Car Boot Sale going: “I’m a sad and lonely pigeon with no home to go to and no-one to love me” routine. Mrs Smith ended up moving to a remote island in the Pacific to count sand while Mr Smith stayed behind to set up a travelling termite circus.
I asked around a bit and, apparently, it had all started out the same way. Nice friendly ‘house-trained pigeon’ moves in, giving it loads of nice. ‘House-trained’? Eh? No-one ever questions how the fuck it got ‘house-trained’, just like no-one ever questions why they start going on strange outings to places they’re not remotely interested in – places like ‘The Donkey Sanctuary‘.
“She guards the house and goes on outings with us, riding in the car and then flying home on her own if she gets bored.”
Jesus Christ. Can’t you see? It’s her. She’s the one making you go on all these ‘outings’. That’s what she does. She uses some kind of hypno technique which forces her victims to take her on endless boring outings. The Smiths ended up visiting Blackpool every Saturday for five years just because Bertie liked to sniff the shrimps. Blackpool every week, for five years. Think on.
This is one of the pics from the article – worryingly, I think it clearly shows Mrs Moor in the early stages of the trance like state brought on by Bertie’s hypnotic stare. A state that can often last for hours, or even days.
And this one is even more worrying…:
Mr and Mrs Moor and family, if you’re out there – get rid of Bertie, NOW. Don’t hang about. Stick her in a shoebox and send her to the Moon. Boot Sale Bertie is bad news and not to be trusted under any circumstances.
You can read the whole sorry story here.
Check this out. A marvelous performance by Ragnheufleiderdom, the famous Icelandic mime pigeon, in an ad for the Peugeot 307.
Here’s a still of his finest moment as he wipes some shit off a car roof using the tricky backward diagonal wing manoeuvre:
To see him in action, click here, or click on the pic.
Cheers for sending it, Patricia!
I’ve started collecting top vids featuring pigeons, and putting them here: the Top Pigeon Vids page. If you find any, send them in, and I’ll add them to the collection. Clearly, they are largely featuring ammateurs. Still funny though.
Must get my vid cam out again one day. Maybe I can persuade Ragnheufleiderdom to chuck in a cameo? Get in there before he bags himself an Oscar and forgets who he is and where he comes from. Before he swaps the alleyways of Reykjavik for the sweeping boulevards of LA.
It won’t be long.
You can see it in his eye:
Gagging for it.
‘Get me to Hollywood’ written all over his cheeky grin.
Mind you, can’t really blame him. If I had mime talent like that I’d be straight out there.
Mart reckons his greatest moment was in ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’. Tbh, I thought that was a heron, but never mind.
Here’s an interesting one – invented by the famous Wing Commander P.R. Geon as a way of managing the food shortages of 1950s post-war Britain before the invention of the ‘takeaway’.
Orignally, it was called ‘The Ring of Sharing’:
In later years, however, the name ‘Ring of Sharing’ was dropped. This was mainly because the invitation to join, which the instigator had to shout out, was: ‘Would anyone like to share my ring?’ – clearly an unacceptable phrase in modern day Britain – so now it’s called ‘The Camden Doughnut’. Much safer.
It’s not a scene that’s been captured that often so a big cheers to Elizabeth who sent it to me! Cheers!
Contender number TWO – ‘Overly-large Forehead Small Beak Neck-Like-A-Breadstick Club Foot’. A landslide victory!
Aaron quite excellently pointed out in the comments that he bore a striking resemblance to Sloth from the Goonies…
Spot on. Total spit.
Don’t worry tho Breadstick Neck – help is at hand. I’ll be in touch soon with a list of prizes for you to choose from including major beak reconstruction, foot and toe reduction and even forehead lipo. Cool. Make sure you get back in touch afterwards. Love to know how you get on. Oh, and don’t forget the before and after shots.
Thinking about it, maybe I’ll follow the story and make a fly-on-the-wall reality doc? Call it ‘Changing Faces – A Pigeon Transforms’?
Even better – make it a voting show. At the end of each episode viewers get to vote for which body part they want tackling the following week… Then, when we’re done with Breadstick, we move on. There’s got to be a truck load of ugly pigeons out there who’d be right up for it. I’d have to advertise for volunteers… Maybe stick a few posters up round The Square?
“Beak too short? Lost a foot? Fed up with unsightly tail feathers? Then do something about it!
Email the address below to take part in a brand new reality show – one that’s making the impossible, possible for pigeons everywhere.
Go on – email now…
…and you too could look like this!
Tell you what – why don’t I see how I get on with Bread Head and take it from there.
Oh – also, and only coz it was Christmas last week, I’ve decided to chuck in a free foot trim for ‘Gay Puffy Feather Trouser Leg Straight Body’ – cruel not to.
Just to kick the New Year off in the way we wish to continue – here’s a couple of right total and utter FREAKS sent to me by Carole. Cheers, Carole!
Tell you what – why don’t you vote for the one you want to win in the comments and I’ll make sure it gets a prize? I’m thinking facial surgery, or perhaps a complete body makeover? What do you reckon? At the very least, three complimentary therapy sessions.
Here’s contender number ONE. Pissed myself:
And this is contender number TWO. Pissed myself even more:
So – what’ll it be…?
Contender number ONE – ‘Gay Puffy Feather Trouser Leg Straight Body’?
Or Contender number TWO – ‘Overly-large Forehead Small Beak Neck-Like-A-Breadstick Club Foot’?
I know it’s tough, but there can only be one winner. Let me know in the comments. Alternatively, if you feel openly declaring your views on the ugly is in any way shameful, you can always email me – brianpigeon AT gmail DOT com.
The vote for Freak of the Week is on. Nah – fuck it – let’s make it ‘Freak of the Year’! Probably the only sense of achievement one of them will ever get!