Pigeon Hits The News, Again
No sooner do Sky cash in on the Pigeon, the BBC have to do it too. What is it with this whole Sky/BBC thing? Saying that, I’m not complaining. Anything that ups the profile of the pigeon is good by me. About time, some might say.
This was, apparently, the opening shot from some BBC news item about tennis. Not quite sure of the dude’s role in the whole story. Maybe he’s a Wimbledon veteran? Not many of those around anymore. Maybe he took on the snipers whilst flying solo on a broken wing…?
Whatever it is, he made it onto the news. Nice one, mate.
If anyone out there recognises him, let me know. Love the low down on what he did. Maybe ‘Operation Stop The Squirrel’ is worthy of a news item? What do you reckon?
Cheers to Ian and Daniel for the pic!
Kingswinford Here We Come
Not sure why but Kingswinford in Staffordshire, a little known market town near Dudley of all places, has become the place to be seen for the pigeon. Rooo Roooo sent me the story. Cheers, Rooo Roooo!
Apparently it all started about two weeks ago. Check it out.
Here’s a picture of everyone sat in a tree:
Wicked.
Turns out after a little investigation that it’s all linked in to the whole squirrel issue. Rumour has it that, for some totally obscure reason, squirrels are scarce in Kingswinford. Word spread and before you know it – a haven for the fleeing pigeon. Sadly there really isn’t much else going on for the place apart from that. In fact, I’d go as far as to say the activities on offer might even top Calderdale on the boredom stakes.
Who the fuck has ever heard of Kingswinford? Well you have now and, if you’re interested, click here to see where it is.
This kind of says it all. Believe it or not, this is part of the their website’s ‘come visit us sometime, please…’ sales pitch:
“As you drive (or walk) along these roads can you picture our historic past – if you get time have a look at the “Kingswinford clock”, on display in the lighting shop on the corner of Market Street and Park Street…”
Can’t fucking wait.
That said, anywhere that reckons it’s low on squirrel count has go to be a winner, which leaves us with little choice. Kingswinford is the new HQ. Pigeon Central. Nerve-centre of ‘Operation Stop The Squirrel’ – the somewhat unimaginative title of our ongoing battle to get the bushy fucks back in the trees where they belong, or at the very least put a stop to the Kung Fu movement and the ever-increasing numbers displaying unnecessarily aggressive tendencies towards anything that moves.
Only because I have to, I can feel a trip to Kingswinford coming on soon as. Go talk to the boys. See if the rumours are true. Take it from there. Check whether they’re interested in joining us in our fight for freedom. The freedom we deserve as citizens of the skies.
Frankly, seeing as spending the rest of the their days hiding out in the trees of Kingswinford clearly sucks, I don’t think recruitment is gonna be that hard.
Mart, of course, is wetting his feathers. Me, him and the London posse heading up North on one one of the most important reconnaissance missions in recent pigeon history. Have to say, I’m pretty excited myself.
Kingswinford, here we come.
I can feel a speech coming on. How about this:
“Pigeons, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words; with hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come; let it be said by all future generations of pigeon that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter;”
Sets the feathers on edge, don’t it?
Squirrel Flavoured Crisps
Although I fully support the drive for new and exciting flavour crisps, and clearly favour anything that puts the squirrel back in its place, combining the two is just plain weird. Linda told me about this. Cheers, Linda! It seems Walkers have invented the Cajun Squirrel flavoured crisp. Kid you not. Not sure what makes the Cajun squirrel any tastier than the London urban, but whatever it is, it seems to be working.
You can read all about it here.
An idea came to mind.
“Get back in your pie” has long been accepted as quite a gross put-down in the pigeon world. I’m not sure if the same exists for squirrels, but if it doesn’t, it should. We might not be able to fight them with the kung-fu moves, but I reckon we can beat them with words anyday. Crush them with wit. Mash ’em up with our verbal dexterity. What do you reckon? I did some research, and it seems there are plenty of recipes out there to work from…
How about “Go fry yourself” or, simply, “Get stewed”…
Not bad for starters – ‘scuse the pun.
Mart suggested we go give it a try, so we did. Off we flew to St James’s Park, dicing with death these days.
First squirrel we spot, Mart goes:
“Oi, squirrel mate, you look like a crisp.”
I suggested we might be able to do better than that as the end result was the squirrel just looked a bit confused:
So we tried again. This time, it worked a treat.
Mart goes: “Oi, you, bushy fuck. Season up, mate, coz we’re gonna give you a right good roasting!”
That was it. He was off:
Never seen a squirrel move so fast. Jesus. Mart was well chuffed.
So, that’s it. No longer is it a futile quest to find some obscure martial art, it’s words all the way, and not just mindless asides, but well thought through insults using actual cooking references.
Bring it on.
Pigeons Got It Good In Vancouver
Seems the pigeons of Vacouver are rocking it large. Well, they are on Granville Island anyway.
Becci sent me these most excellent pics.
Check it out. Snow aside, clearly having a fucking whale of a time.
Don’t see shit like that going down much in London these days.
Damn shame. Nothing like a good bundle. Granville Island, here I come.
Not sure the dude in the middle really gets it.
There’s always one.
Cheers for sending them, Becci!
Brian Pigeon Messenger Bag On Sky Sports News!
Now this really does rock the big one. Keith, a pal of mine who can often be seen hanging out and about around Newmarket Racecourse, sent me a great story.
He was on his way to a cricket match in India.
His bag gets searched at the gate, which happens to be a Brian Pigeon messenger bag.
Sky Sports News film it, and then only go and show it in one of their reports!
Keith reckons that’s 151 million viewers worldwide will have seen a Brian Pigeon messenger bag get the search treatment. Kid you not. Pissed myself.
He sent me this to prove it:
Dec 22nd, 6.48pm: Brian Pigeon messenger bag – on the news. Around the time AC Milan said Bekham might get the boot from the UEFA cup – whatever the fuck that is: Brian Pigeon messenger bag – on the news. Wigan have only got 22 points: Brian Pigeon messenger bag – on the news.
Seeing as I can now say ‘As Seen On TV’ – if any of you fancy your very own Brian Pigeon messenger bag, it looks a bit like this. Part of what I call the ‘Warhol Collection’:
While you’re at it, if you want to view the full range of other fancy gifts on offer, go check out the Brian Pigeon merch page.
Cheers for sending the story, Keith! Nice one.
Btw – I wasn’t sure whether to ask, but did they find anything…?
Pigeon Awareness Day In Calderdale
Ok – so when I first got sent this from Prodicus and saw the header – ‘Council spends £10,000 on Monty-Pythonesque Pigeon Awareness Day’, I thought: ‘Bring it on!’ At last, raise the awareness of the pigeon. Tell it how it is from our point of view. Lay the foundations for our very own National Pigeon Day. Maybe chuck out some free seed for old time’s sake… but no. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Turns out a somewhat pointless town in Yorkshire called Calderdale has decided to hold Pigeon Awareness Days to encourage folks to stop feeding the pigeons. On the upside, it sounds like they won’t be calling out the falcons anytime soon, but this quote worried me:
‘There is only one way of eradicating pigeons and that is for people to stop feeding them’, says Councillor Paul Rogan
Eradicate? Wtf?
That said, I know for a fact that Calderdale is neither a favourite mini-break nor holiday destination for the northern pigeon, so there really can’t be that many of us knocking about… I decided to look into it a bit further and it seems, more than likely, a complete lack of things to do in Calderdale is to blame. Any town whose list of events to watch out for in the month includes a walk up to Stoodley Pike has got to be bored out of its tiny mind.
So, in conclusion, if it means that much to them, they should go ahead. As for the pigeons of Calderdale, I say make it your own. Go for it. Get as many of you together as you can and party, hard. It may be the last chance you get.
Cheers for sending it, Prodicus!
A Pigeon On Ice
This got sent to me from the mighty Annie Mole. Nice one, Annie. It’s a familiar scene in London these days – pigeons giving the whole skating thing a go. Fucking impossible though it is, it’s all the rage:
No idea why. As you can see, not everyone is willing to give it a go. Check out the looks of extreme caution going on, particularly from the pal at the back. Not fucking surprised.
Great pic, Annie!
It’s All Kicking Off In NW6 or “Pigeons – Twats With Wings”
Says Al from the NW6 Pigeon Appreciation Society, who sent me this rather horrific set of pictures. Cheers, Al.
There he was strolling through a park when he witnessed first hand the aggressive tendencies of the urban squirrel. Thankfully, the art of Kung Fu – see posts below – hasn’t quite reached NW6 yet so this was, apparently, largely a vocal attack.
A squirrel appears out of nowhere and just sits there hurling verbal insults at a group of innocent pigeons out and about enjoying a quiet moment in the park:
“Oi pigeons – twats with wings. Over ‘ere!”
They try their damnedest to ignore him…
…even when he attempts to arse-spray one of them in the eyes. Jesus. Not pleasant. Not even slightly.
The final straw comes when another one rocks up giving it large:
“Call yourself a bird? Get your wings up and fight like a pigeon.”
Thankfully, and somewhat typically for NW6, these two were all mouth.
Henry, normally a fairly placid pigeon by nature, gives them the evil and simply tells them to fuck off. Such was the look in his eye that they scarper sharp as:
Fair play. Good on ya, Henry. A fine example to all those pigeons out there intimidated by the urban squirrel. Don’t be, unless of course they look like they’ve mastered a martial art…
In the meantime, 2009 – bring it on. Aside from the fact we appear to have entered the initial stages of the next Ice Age, I’m pretty excited about the whole affair and was discussing with Mart what our New Year resolutions might be. He suggested we keep things simple, unlike last year when, I seem to remember, Mart’s list included the invention of teleportation and learning how to play the ukulele. Admittedly mine weren’t much better, like flying over the Grand Canyon and speed reading all 21 volumes of the 1801 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Wtf? Talk about setting oneself up for disappointment.
2009 I’m thinking:
1) Eat more
2) Fly more
3) Do more
Nice.
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