Two Pigeons That Look Like…
Jonathan Ross (left) and Russell Brand:
Jonathan: “Told you to hang up.”
Russell: “No you didn’t.
Spying Pigeons Arrested
First off, sorry for the lack of postings. Been feeling a little under the weather and somewhat shelf-bound this past week. Not sure why. Probably something to do with the fact I’ve never been a big fan of the run up to the clocks going back. What the fuck is that all about? I say the same thing every year. You may wonder how it effects us pigeons seeing as we don’t wear watches? Well, think about it. The darker it is and the colder it gets, the less time there is available to eat and the harder it gets to spot the good stuff. There’s also less food around generally coz less people are heading outdoors to drop it. More darkness = not good for the pigeon. It’s a fucker.
Anyway, here’s a cool story sent to me by Rooo Roooo. Cheers pal! It’s about two pigeons who got arrested for spying in Iran. Kid you not.
You can read the story in full here.
Mental. No-one knows what happened to the poor fucks. Probably strapped up to some hideous water torture device or having their eyeballs poked with burning cocktail sticks. Jesus. Dread to think.
Must tell Mart. It may put him off the idea of ever becoming a spy, particularly in hazardous war zones.
Will and Kathleen – A Right Result
Swung by to check up on Will and Kathleen yesterday. See if they’ve managed to patch things up a bit. Fat Jesus have they?!
For those who don’t know what I’m on about, here’s a bit of backstory:
This was where their relationship was at when I first met them. Positively falling apart on every level.
And this was the scene not that long after when, clearly, it had all gone from bad to worse. It was also the point I decided to step in.
Anyway, I kept my distance so as not to intrude. Wanted them to feel as natural as possible. Some call it spying. I say it’s all in the name of research, and this is what I saw:
Initially I was concerned as it could have been either some gentle foreplay, or them pecking eachother’s eyes out.
Then, this happened, and I breathed a sigh of relief:
On he hopped. Quick as you like. Kathleen looked happy and relaxed, and Will looked like he was having a whale of a time. She’s clearly a fast learner.
Then, it all started to get a bit frantic:
And I began to feel like a bit of a pervert, so I slipped away quietly, and left them to it. Lucky old Will.
Good stuff, guys. Keep it up!
Marital Guidance, Pigeon Style
Remember Will and Kathleen? The pigeon couple I interviewed a while back asking what they might do if the world was about to end and they only had one day left? The ones who I sensed may have had a bit of a fallout, particularly when she said she’d liked to go grab herself a bit of ‘me time’ and he said he’d ‘shag the first sort he found’ and then sink his beak into a pint of creamy Guinness? Well, I thought I might pay them another visit. See if things have improved any.
Tragically, it appeared the distance between them had grown even wider:
Never having dealt with this kinda shit before, in fact, persuading any of my shags to stick around for more than 24 hours is usually a bit of a struggle, I felt a little out of my depth, but knew I needed to do something. Life had clearly become uncomfortable for the pair of them. I suggested a one to one with each in turn. See if I couldn’t get the bottom of whatever was causing the rift…
They were reluctant at first, I think mainly because talking openly about one’s inner feelings doesn’t come easily to the pigeon. Anyway, after a bit of gentle persuasion on my part, including having to convince them I genuinely wanted to help and wasn’t just one of those mental case freaks who got off on listening to pigeons with problems, they agreed.
First off, her turn:
Straight away I practiced a relaxation technique. I asked her to close her eyes and count up to 10. Sadly, education of any sort appeared to have passed her by as she only got to 2 before she opened her eyes again and looked confused. I decided to dive straight in. I tell you, once she got going, she wouldn’t fucking stop. Jesus. Out it all came. How he wasn’t there for her. How she didn’t trust him. How he disappeared for days on end and came back stinking of love juice. Then, when I asked her how she dealt with it, she said she mainly moaned and talked at him, not to him, but at him. Honest response though it was, I suggested this might not be the best approach and perhaps ignoring his frailties might be better? Then I asked her when the last time was they shagged. She said she couldn’t remember it had been that long. I suggested that might be one of the issues… He is clearly a pigeon with needs, and even though she had needs too, his are of the cock and therefore more important. She was shocked by this, so I re-phrased it giving her less of a male perspective. I said her needs were absolutely ‘equally’ as important and should be communicated, but perhaps in a more gentle way? I told her a moany pigeon simply isn’t attractive. I also re-iterated his needs should be tended to more than likely on a daily basis, or at the very least once a week. She agreed to give this a go.
Then it was his turn:
He said he found talking about his feelings hard, and would rather keep his eyes shut. He also refused any sort of relaxation technique on account it being ‘fucking weird’. After we’d got all that out of the way, he said pretty much the same thing, but in reverse. That Kathleen didn’t put out, so he had to go elsewhere. He also said he was done with her incessant moaning, nagging and general dullness. I suggested he should give hopping on another try and that, through his desire to get it elsewhere, he’d lost sight of Kathleen’s inner beauty… It all went a bit wrong when I said I’d do her, so I retracted it and told him I meant in a metaphorical sense. He agreed to give it one more shot but was concerned that, even though it was a long time ago, he didn’t remember her being very good at it. I told him he should at least be open to the fact she could be taught. He seemed to like this idea.
So I left them both to it and felt pretty fucking proud of my hour’s work. We’ll see. I’ll pop back tomorrow and see if things between them have improved. In the meantime, any other pigeons out there fancy a few of Brian Pigeon’s top tips on how to maintain a successful and fruitful relationship, do let me know and I’ll happily oblige.
Pigeons v Cats
Pigeon Rachel sent me this most excellent pic:
Strictly speaking I guess it’s Cats v Pigeons but, apart from preferring it the other way round for obvious reasons to do with ego, I also figured, providing they ever actually notice what’s going on, if any one of those furry fuckers had jumped, pigeons would have been off-ski in a flash.
However, judging by the gentleness of their stroll, they do, in fact, appear to be utterly oblivious to the world around them in which case, fair game I say.
Whoever took it, good job! Cheers for sending it Pigeon Rach!
A Funny Pigeon Joke
Ok – so Mart complained that the joke in the post below wasn’t funny. Personally, I think that was because he didn’t really get it, especially after he asked me whether pigeons were able to get mortgages now too…
He suggested this was funnier:
Q: Why did the pigeon cross the road?
A: Because it thought it was a chicken.
Have to say, I’m inclined to agree.
Pigeon Joke
A few of you sent this to me today. Cheers all!
Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMWs
Nice, although I have to say, new or old, we don’t really fucking care. Landing one on a BMW can make a pigeon’s day, particularly when the roof’s down…
Pointless Anti-Pigeon Signage
Check this out for blatantly ridiculous:
That’s not a seed giving gesture, that’s coming in for a fucking grope.
Tell you what, if I saw anything like that heading my way, seed or no seed, I’d fly a fucking mile.
Chickens Got It Rough
Generally speaking, much as it may seem like I throw an anti-stance towards most other birdlife, and largely for good reason, I reckon chickens got it rough. Well rough, in fact. Not only do they face the daily prospect of contracting full on bird-flu, even when stir-fry bound, they’re forced to get naked and dance in shop windows. What the fuck? Totally out of order.
Spotted these guys down Chinatown who, frankly, look well hacked off with the whole affair:
Hardly surprising. Shame up way to go in any bird’s books. A complete loss of dignity all round. Thankfully, I don’t think pigeon’s gonna be a delicacy in China for quite some time. The minute it is though, fuck that, I’m off. No fucking way I’m dancing a naked merry dance for no fucking chef, no matter how good they say they are, particularly not in a shop window. Jesus.
Parrots v Pigeons – The Debate Concludes, Again
This most excellent vid providing a sound conclusion to the Parrots v Pigeons debate was sent to me by Ian.
Click on the pic or this link to play.
Enjoy.
Cheers Ian!
Pigeons v Squirrels – Another War Rages
A nice and simple segue from parrots v pigeons – squirrels.
It has long been understood that the war between the squirrel and the pigeon is rife. Back in the 1970s there was a declaration between the two sides that stated quite clearly, provided squirrels stick to large parks and gardens, all is good in the world. Unfortunately, and particularly recently, the squirrels have got a little too big for their tiny cunty boots and have started invading the rooftops. Not good.
Thankfully, this has not gone unnoticed by the pigeon community, and some have even been spotted taking action…
This ace pic was sent to me by Jess. Cheers Jess! It clearly shows a pigeon giving it large to a squirrel. Taking no prisoners. Showing him who’s boss:
Ok – so it’s a Woodie, but who cares? The squirrel is clearly shitting himself in an urban landscape, and that’s what counts.
So, squirrels be warned – tread not on the turf of the town, for we pigeons shall have your balls for earrings.
Think on.
Parrots v Pigeons – The Debate Concludes
Got a splendid email from Piccolo Pigeon offering yet more evidence that similarities between the parrot and the pigeon are tenuous to say the least.
She says: “Produces crop milk to feed their young”?!?!?!?!?!?! Bunch of hooey!”
And she knows her shit seeing as she owns one of each. Kid you not. A pigeon and a parrot, albeit a very small one (or a very large pigeon?).
See – nothing like each other. Check out the mistrusting look in the eye. Clearly no fucking idea what the other is about. No common language or understanding whatsoever.
Piccolo also says in her email, referring to the small parrot: “the only thing that comes out of that beak is semi-digested barf.”
Thanks for that Piccolo.
Now I hope that this ‘pigeons are just like parrots’ debate can be popped back in the box where it belongs. The one marked ‘total and utter bollocks of our time’, as it is obviously the most stupid pigeon fact ever in the history of facts about pigeons.
Parrots v Pigeons
Ok – so I’m on the mail list for the New York Bird Club. Their newsletter usually consists a load of info about pigeons stuck in letter boxes and the like. However, the mail I got yesterday made a claim worth investigating. It said us pigeons were ‘close avian relatives’ of the parrot. What the fuck? We’re nothing like parrots, apart from anything else, no parrot has ever had a single idea or thought of their own. Just spout everyone else’s the whole time, and then pretend no-one has said it before. Generally speaking, most parrots are wankers.
Anyway, I thought I’d go seek out a couple in London Zoo to see what they thought. Took Mart along for the ride, and also coz he’s not seen Larry for a while.
First up, we met this freak:
Just sat there like that staring at us. Didn’t move.
Then we met this one:
Who appears to be eating a tree.
Then this:
Fat Jesus.
Turns out they’re all barking. Totally fucking bonkers. Mad as a bag of frogs. Couldn’t get a word of sense out of any of them. Obviously, I’m not suggesting they’re a fair representation of the parrot community seeing as they’re stuck behind bars, but we did get to thinking that maybe the bars were there for a reason.
Tell you what tho, if we were blue and had massive beaks with cute little yellow trims, I bet the free seed would have been flowing. The parrots have clearly gone wrong somewhere.
This is the stuff we have in common, apparently:
“They share such traits such as mating for life, producing a crop milk to feed their young, having a fleshy skin covering their nostrils and producing a powdery down in their feathers and bonding easily with humans.”
First off, mating for life is a no-brainer for any half decent bird, and as for the bonding with humans, I’m really not so sure about that one. Ok, we used to ‘bond’ back in the day, but not any more. I can’t remember the last time a human looked me in the eye, or a dog for that matter.
In conclusion – we’re nothing like the parrot. Not even slightly. In fact, I’d go as far as to say we’ve got more in common with a flamingo than we have a parrot. At least flamingos know how to tell a half decent joke.
Pigeon Blog 