Ok – Mart’s getting bored with this whole ‘shall I go to LA’ thing, so prob off to Hoxton later for a spot of poetry with my poetry pals – not done that for a couple of weeks. Told Mart he could come too – so long as he makes an effort.
Also promised Mart a game of ‘Shit or Miss’. Am guessing you’ve never heard of it, so here’s how it works:
You fly along a big road – like the A4 – and shit on cars. Different colour cars get different scores. Hit the roof and it’s a max, hit the windscreen and you get a bit less, hit the drivers side, and it’s a bit more, and so on. If the traffic is jammed, you get points knocked off for missing.
As you know, shitting on command is tricky, so scoring points in ‘Shit or Miss’ requires skill.
Here’s some examples:
This get’s double max points – it’s red AND a sports car – even more if the roof’s down and you hit the back seat – fucking hard to do.
Lowest points – big, white and a piece of piss to shit on.
Fucking cool game, and very, very funny.
Right – the results are in for the Guardian dull pic comp. Wondered why I hadn't heard anything, then a mate, Julia, sent me the outrageously bad news.
Not only did I not win, they chose a really shit pic of a load of pigeons taken by someone called Caroline. Fucking insult.
So – I thought I'd see what you think.
Let me know in the comments.
This was my entry: Mart and the lovely Linda watch Clive pick some seed out from under his toenail.
And THIS is 'the other one': Some shit out of focus pic of a bunch of random chav pigeons not even looking at the camera.
No fucking competition far as I'm concerned.
They prob didn't choose mine coz I'm a pigeon – prob says in the small print: 'Humans Only'. Gonna check it out though coz if it does, that's just plain out an' out anti-pigeonistic behaviour.
So – get commenting ad tell me which one you think is the best!
Figure I need to do a load more pecking around on this going to LA thing. The only pigeon I know who's been is Dicky the Turd. Did some race there a while back. Reason I know is I chatted Linda up when he was away. She was having none of it, and then Dicky only went and won a fucking trophy. Sun's shone out of his feathery arse ever since. Yesterday though, decided to igore the fact he's a knob, and go talk to him. Thankfully he never found out about the Linda thing. Phew.
So me and Mart winged it to his place. Mart reckoned about an hour's fly – turned out nearly two which included getting lost and having to ask a robin for directions. Shame up.
Did a spot of therming down the M40 – kinda like surfing, but on thermals – which was cool.
Got there and all a bit of a waste of time tbh. He was in his 'loft' all cosied up. Apparently he's in training. Knob. Anyway, he reckoned it's a fucking nightmare journey. Ten hours in a shitty little box with nothing but a pile of cases and the odd dog to keep you company and, unless it's a terrier, coz they're normally quite a laugh, it's boring as fuck. Then, when you get there, it's meant to be night – but it's not – it's day. Eh? He said this makes your brain go weird and you end up flying like a twat. Not good. Not good at all.
You'll love this though – he made it for Linda. Jesus.
Jesus Christ! If you've got one spare, do take a min to peruse the other lovely items on offer at Reggie's Gift Shop. Like this rather splendid bone china thimble:
For fuck's sake.
So says themanwhofellsaleep. I mailed him coz he does this thing in Time Out – sort of a what’s on in London type mag – not much in there for pigeons though so don’t check it that often.
Every week he writes up stuff he hears people say on the underground. I was gonna offer my services being a bit of a tube traveller myself. Dunno if that’s gonna work out. Can kinda see why though…
He sent me this link.
It’s about how his ex-wife lost her marbels coz of birds in general – thankfully not just pigeons. The whole thing has obv left him a bit scarred – prob why he called us vermin. Don’t really blame him. Hang in there mate.
A mate called Gnarl sent me this. Cheers bud.
A project called Urban Eyes.
Some blokes worked out that if you tag a load of pigeons using RFID, get them cammed up and then build them a special techy 'feeding platform', they'll swing by, dump their pics, and fuck off. Not sure what the point of it is. They'll probably only get the chav 'in it for the seed' brigade. Obv I got in touch and offered to help. Said I could get some mates down who might take it a bit more seriously. Mart was well up for it…
Had to think for a min if this was pigeon exploitation – not really tbh coz there's food involved.
This is their geeky feed platform – note the tagged dudes on top, dumping away:
Might deffo check this out though… part of the same gig:
One fucking cool looking pigeon hotel in Rotterdam. Well worth the fly I reckon.
Got sent this – thanks Pigeon.
Some bloke called Amos Latteier got into the whole pigeon cam thing with his pigeon, Homer. As I'm thinking 'movie', could prob do with a bit more pigeon cam expertise… so I looked into it.
This is Amos holding Homer – who looks like he's bricking it to me.
Hilarious story – first time round, he only goes and straps a 35mm digi cam to it's back – poor fuck couldn't even leave the ground. Then he tries again with a smaller cam, and Homer fucks off for 3 days! Nice one fella. Prob just out impressing the birds with his new kit – making out he's a pro doing shots for some pigeon mag.
This is one of Homer's:
Looks like he only came back with six shots, total. Three days and all he had to show was six shitty shots. Amos prob went mental
Might get in touch anyway – see where they're at now. I'm guessing, looking at the results and the fact this was done in 2003, Amos came to the conclusion Homer was a bit shit and not to be trusted. Shame.
You, sir, have the hair of knob.
Right – spent all day today with Mart flying everywhere. Top laugh. Need to get in shape if I'm gonna do this LA thing – heard all the pigeons over there work out.
This was me racing a couple of the boys down the spa.
I'm the fast one in the middle.
Think I found a top place to hang out too…The roof of The Mondrian. Fucking amazing views. Great location.
Was ‘IM’ing with Ali yesterday after the whole website of the week in The Guardian Guide thing – he reckons now I got a couple of inches in the national press I should ‘Maximy the goodness’ – think he meant ‘make the most of it’. Then he said: “I thinks Hollywood is waitings”. Err, Ali mate, isn’t that, like, quite a fucking long way away? Just guessing, but possibly a bit fucking too far to fly…
No, turns out it’s piece of piss. Fuck the wings, use someone else’s! Ali’s mate works at Heathrow and reckons he could sneak me on board a plane saying I’m some shit hot racing pigeon. I said I might be a bit OB for a racer, but apparently they don’t weigh pigeons. Cool.
Slight snag – he says I’ll have to travel in one of these:
Looks a bit small… apparently they there ‘aint no premier economy for pigeons. Bit rude if you ask me. Anyway, he said he’d get his mate to pad it up a bit with some socks.
One other small point – what happens when I get there? Some slightly overweight random pigeon just rocks up…
Nice one – he’d covered this off too:
“I gots a pal there – Jim the Yank. Works at the airport.”
Jesus Christ. Told Mart. Mart said it was a great idea and wants to come. Not been this excited since I left Hayes.
That’ll be me, sat on top of the Hollywood ‘W’ checking out the boulevards. Bring it on. Just got to sort some shit before I go – get some contacts going etc.
Prob be good to do some flying about stuff – get me bod into shape.
Any LA pigeons out there – get in touch! I’m on my way and would love to meet up…
Jesus Christ. So excited I nearly pissed myself. Trotting down the South Bank with Mart, sunny morning and all that. Decided to hang out at the NFT caff – top spot for a little crumbdrop – overheard this geezer:
“A blog, by a pigeon – marvelous – pigeonblog.wordpress.com… or possibly by a pigeon? Says they’ve got an ‘endearing snarky humour’, so I guess it must be…”
Here’s the rub: The geezer was reading THE GUARDIAN GUIDE. Fuck me. A write up in The Guide! How totally cool is that? Thanks guys. I knew those animal peace lovin’ organic lefties would dig a straight talking pigeon into pics and poetry.
So – anyone here for the first time – probably good to read this:
Gives you a bit of background on me, Brian, Britain’s premier blogging pigeon. Also covers a couple of pigeon issues I’m trying to sort, like the whole anti-pigeon vibe going down in London thanks to Mayor Ken. Started a ‘Give Pigeons A Chance’ campaign and already got 298 signatures. Bloody good going for a pigeon. Better than a clip board anyday. Sign up now if you haven’t already. We need all the support we can get – esp as we got dissed by the RSPB.
Even got my own merch – non-profit – just to raise awareness.
Cheers loads for the write up, JD. Just a couple of points: You call us ‘chavs‘. Massive sweeping statement. Agree pigeons in places like Hayes and Croydon can be chavvy and hang out in gangs in shopping centres – just coz they’re bored with fuck all else to do. That’s why I escaped and moved to Beak Street! The bottom line is, we’re not all like that. I got mates in Hoxton into poetry, art and all sorts, mates in Brixton into new technology, even got pigeon mates into acting. You also mention the shitting thing – I cover this too.
Frankly, I’m using the world of the blog to show the anti-pigeonists there’s more to us than they think.
Seems to be working too.
Just found out someone ended up here after typing ‘I hate pigeons’ into Google. What the fuck? Must have got a right shock. Not only does this blog love the pigeon, it’s by a pigeon!
So… thought I’d do the same to see what came up – found this horrific post:
I hate pigeons
It was done in 2004 by this bloke called David Barrett:
Two years have passed so I hoped he’d changed his mind/had some therapy?
Not a fucking chance. He’s only gone and done it again: I tell you what I want
He found a pigeon in his loft, and chucked it out.
This kind of attitude sucks. Bet he’s never even met a pigeon. Maybe he was shat on as a kid and never got over it?
David Barrett – this is war.
After that rather fucking disturbing bit of pigeon news, I thought I’d do some poetry. Here’s one I found the other day:
If Pigeons Had Teeth
If pigeons had teeth
Children in the park
Would be less likely to aggravate them
Er, hello? Is that It? State the obvious in quite a crap way, make it rhyme a bit, and call it a poem? This got me thinking. If he can do it, so can I.
White Pigeon Love
Pigeons, oh so wonderous in flight.
Pigeons are great,
Especially in white.
by Brian Pigeon
This is a ref back to the classy Chiswick pigeon called Mary I quite fancied a couple of weeks back. The shy one.
As you know, I dig a bit of poetry, just never thought of giving it a go till I found Dicky C.
What do you reckon? A Pigeon laureate in the making?
All you pigeons of Pittsburgh – there’s some total fucking nutter on the loose!
A bloke on top of a building shooting at random pigeons. Jesus Christ. Where did that come from? Clearly got some serious pigeon issues.
Check out the vid – disturbing – Gus Rosendale, the so called ‘non-biased’ reporter said it was ‘kinda funny’. For who, Gus? Then he says he posed ‘no serious threat’. What the fuck? The downtown pigeons are gonna be traumatised for years. Now you tell us the police don’t know if they can be arsed to charge him. Eh? Bang out of order. Big up to the Pittsburgh posse. If any of you do this blogging thing – let me know if us London pigeons can help in any way.
Cheers for that one, Fritz.
Not that I’m into running a dating service for birds or anything but, being a pigeon, I felt a bit responsible when I saw this. Thought I’d post it just in case there are any blogging penguins out there. Ya never know. Not sure how good the wireless is in your average zoo…?
So – here’s Pugwash:
He’s a 12 year old South African Blackfoot Penguin who’d started to watch the other penguins going at it after his bird of 8 years, Cherry, died. Bless him. Anyway, look’s like the other penguins complained about him perving them up, and now the Zoo are on the hunt for a new ‘Cherry’.
To make matters worse, Pugwash said in a statement: “No-one will ever take my Cherry’s place.” Unfortunately, when it hit the front page of ‘Penguin News’, there was a misprint. It read: “No-one will ever take my Cherry“.
Such a shame. Could have been some real publicity for him. Now, unless you read the article, Pugwash just sounds a little bit gay, especially when you chuck in the silver bangle. Poor fuck. Doesn’t stand a chance.
Any penguins out there fancy giving it a go? Let me know in the comments.
In the meantime, Pugwash, keep your pecker up. Sorry mate – couldn’t resist it.