Squirrels Up The Anti
Worryingly, and I knew it wouldn’t take them long, but it looks like the whole ‘squirrels getting into Kung Fu’ is starting to take off over here.
Seems they’ve only gone and set up a training camp in St James’s Park. Seeing as squirrels roaming free in large parks is written in the Pigeons v Squirrels declaration, we can’t do jack shit do about it.
Check out the aggressive stance of this cheeky fuck:
Apparently he was practicing the ‘Silent Fence Launch’. A move that, when mastered, can prove deadly for any unsuspecting pigeon passing by going about their daily business.
As a result of observing this and other similarly concerning maneuvers:
I’m no longer sure if a few futile poncy leg kicks from us is going to make any real difference.
Drastic action is called for, so yesterday I decided to go chat to one of the best known faces of the pigeon’s sporting world – Clive (the Dive). Clive is, as far as I know, the only pigeon ever to perfect the ‘Air-Based Backdive’.
This was taken last year just before Clive (right) threw himself backwards:
Anyway, Clive said that diving of any kind probably wouldn’t help either, which threw me slightly.
Back to the drawing board. Then, suddenly, a thought struck, hard. What’s the one thing we can do that they can’t? We can fly! How the fuck that didn’t occur to me before I’ll never know. Squirrel comes atchya with the Kung Fu moves – fly away. Simple as. Take to the air, maybe even shit on his head as a happy finish?
Okay, so some might say flying is a bit of a cop out, but I say it makes perfect sense. All they’ll be able to do is just stand there.
Only got one nagging thought – supposing they’re giving flying lessons at this camp of theirs? Supposing the squirrels of London are learning to fly? Crisp packets for wings strapped to their backs chucking themselves off rooftops. A nightmare thought and certainly not one I’m prepared to dwell on for any length of time.
So, for now I’m gonna pass it on about the flying away idea, tho I suspect someone else may have thought of it first!