Pigeons of Scotland – Yes or No?
I happened to be in Shoreham today, so I asked a seagull what he thought about the the vote for Scottish independence. He said he had no opinion either way. Typical. The only thing he was interested in was how it was going to be cut off if the vote was in favour. I said I didn’t think the plan was to physically slice it off so it could set sail for the North Pole. Twat. Then I asked a pigeon on the street who replied, “What’s Scotland?”
So there you go. Ignorance all round in the Brighton bird world, then again I guess it is quite far away. Personally I’m very interested in what will happen to the pigeons of Scotland if they chose to go it alone. Will they need passports to cross the border? Do they even get a vote? Course not. We never do.
I did try to get in touch with my old pal, Murray, but apparently he went underground after Andy Murray lost at Wimbledon and hasn’t been seen since.
Thankfully, another Scots pigeon got in touch. A reporter based in Glasgow called Neil. Not only did he go out on the streets to see what the pigeons of Glasgow thought, he sent me a report including a hilarious conversation he overheard between two pigeons.
This is Neil working undercover. Genius:
Good work. Nice one, Neil!
This is what he sent me:
“Hi Brian – quick wee note from the North. Thought you might be interested in the crack from George Square over the wee vote on Thursday. Wee vote … aye that’ll be right. Great big huge fuckin’ disruptive vote would be more like it. For those of us who spend our lives waddling round George Square posing for the tourists and generally keeping the traffic going, it has been quite a summer. First, the place was full of tourists for the Commonwealth Games – noisy or what! Not a seat to be had in the whole City – found a peaceful spot on the top of Walter Scott and just watched the world go round … and round … and round. Turned out it was the cycling speed trials! Still, life got a bit quieter when the tent went down and the big G was moved. Big G? Yeah, that was the big logo for the Games – actually it was quite nice. Loads of kids came to have their photos taken, dropping loads of chips. Became quite a meeting place for us pigeons – dinner at Gs! Then after they left the whole Indyref thing got going. Once again the peace of George Square was shattered by a load of flag waving demonstrators with Yes and No flapping in the wind in equal measure. What’s the chat? Well I was happily dozing on Queen Vic’s crown yesterday when I overheard this. I had to send it to you. Kind of says it all:
“You awrite Davey boy?”
“Alright, Wullie? Aye, man, I’m good. How about yourself?”
“Just nabbed some sucker’s fries right out his hand, so, yeah, I’m good.”
“’Ere, have you heard of the Indyref stuff?”
“Who hasny? It’s all over the bloody place. TV, post, even just doon the road in George Square. I’ve got a friend who went down there. Said the whole place was fucking packed with people watching some bloke called Cameron pulling his hair out over the fact that we’re splitting. Said the bald patch looked would have made a great target if only he could have got close enough.”
“We might be splitting, we don’t know. We’ll just have to wait an’ see what the vote says.”
“Aye, we will. Either way, I’m all for Scotland being independent. What about you, mate? Which way would you vote if we got a say in it?”
“Oh, aye, I’d vote Naw for sure.”
“Oh, aye? Why’s that?”
“Well, to be completely honest, man, I just don’t see Scotland surviving on its own. Apparently, we aren’t even gonna get our own currants!”
“Whit? Scotland will no be allowed our own currants?”
“Nope. All the currants get sent up from England, so it’s the English currant.”
“I dunnae get it. We make oor own currants too!”
“Yeah, but the factory’s gonna move South if we break up…”
“Why would it do that?”
“Aw whit do you know? Youse are fae Paisley!”
So as you see Brian, the Nation appears to be as split as the currants! Just hoping we get one final demonstration on Friday cos the pickings are always great afterwards. Will let you know whose flag is flapping on that day!!! I’ll fly around the city tomorrow when the vote is on and see what’s going down. Could be carnage. I did a ledge to ledge the other day and noticed ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ stickers stuck to loads of windows, some even on the same house!”
Cheers Neil. Top job. Look forward to an update and maybe some more pics if you get a chance.
Watch this space.
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