Royal Wedding Madness
For some totally unknown reason, every pigeon in town is going utterly mental about the Royal Wedding this Friday. And it’s not just those in town either. Everywhere you look there are out-of-towners. Pigeons with dodgy accents from Southend, Bournemouth, Stockport, Plymouth. The list goes on. Then there’s the questions. Jesus. Do I know the best ledge to watch it from? Are there any available on Westminster Abbey? Are there spikes? Yes, I’m from London, but do I look like I give a shit? If I do, it’s a mistake. My plan is to get as far away from the West End as possible.
Check this lot out for starters. Part of some Northern amateur dramatic society. They were down on the South Bank yesterday for ‘a brief run-through’ of their own version of the Royal Wedding, something they’re planning on performing outside Buckingham Palace later this afternoon. WTF? Hilarious.
Initially, none of them seemed that interested. All they were doing was wandering around talking Northern to each other, so I asked them which part of the Royal Wedding this was meant to be…:
Turns out they were waiting for Eric. The whole thing was his idea, apparently, and they can’t really start without him as he’s playing the Archbishop of Canterbury. Genius.
Then Eric arrives looking seriously flustered:
Said he’d got stuck in the building they were staying in after the window shut itself. Mart pointed out that a couple of them at the back were pissing themselves so much, they had to walk away. Shut itself, my arse.
Despite all that, soon after he arrived, Eric got things going pretty quickly.
Here he is with the couple playing Wills and Kate, otherwise known as Geoff and Maureen from Doncaster:
I think this must have been the bit where Kate is meant to say, ‘I do.’…
Then it all went horribly wrong. I’m not sure what happened, but the next minute Wills and Kate got into a massive row.
“Fuck off”, “No, you fuck off”, “No, you fuck off!”
Poor Eric was just left standing in the middle looking embarrassed.
Next thing, they’ve fucked off and he’s out there on his own asking every pigeon who walks by, “William and Kate’s wedding? Anyone want a go?”:
Needless to say, his fellow Northerners were nowhere to be seen. I actually felt quite sorry for him in the end so I told him the best place to watch it, or at least the start of it, was in the trees along the Mall. He thanked me, and went off to rehearse his lines.
Rumor has it The Big Birds Club down in Ham might have a do on. Something non-wedding related. May give that one a shot, unless anyone else has got any other suggestions?