Marital Guidance, Pigeon Style
Remember Will and Kathleen? The pigeon couple I interviewed a while back asking what they might do if the world was about to end and they only had one day left? The ones who I sensed may have had a bit of a fallout, particularly when she said she’d liked to go grab herself a bit of ‘me time’ and he said he’d ‘shag the first sort he found’ and then sink his beak into a pint of creamy Guinness? Well, I thought I might pay them another visit. See if things have improved any.
Tragically, it appeared the distance between them had grown even wider:
Never having dealt with this kinda shit before, in fact, persuading any of my shags to stick around for more than 24 hours is usually a bit of a struggle, I felt a little out of my depth, but knew I needed to do something. Life had clearly become uncomfortable for the pair of them. I suggested a one to one with each in turn. See if I couldn’t get the bottom of whatever was causing the rift…
They were reluctant at first, I think mainly because talking openly about one’s inner feelings doesn’t come easily to the pigeon. Anyway, after a bit of gentle persuasion on my part, including having to convince them I genuinely wanted to help and wasn’t just one of those mental case freaks who got off on listening to pigeons with problems, they agreed.
First off, her turn:
Straight away I practiced a relaxation technique. I asked her to close her eyes and count up to 10. Sadly, education of any sort appeared to have passed her by as she only got to 2 before she opened her eyes again and looked confused. I decided to dive straight in. I tell you, once she got going, she wouldn’t fucking stop. Jesus. Out it all came. How he wasn’t there for her. How she didn’t trust him. How he disappeared for days on end and came back stinking of love juice. Then, when I asked her how she dealt with it, she said she mainly moaned and talked at him, not to him, but at him. Honest response though it was, I suggested this might not be the best approach and perhaps ignoring his frailties might be better? Then I asked her when the last time was they shagged. She said she couldn’t remember it had been that long. I suggested that might be one of the issues… He is clearly a pigeon with needs, and even though she had needs too, his are of the cock and therefore more important. She was shocked by this, so I re-phrased it giving her less of a male perspective. I said her needs were absolutely ‘equally’ as important and should be communicated, but perhaps in a more gentle way? I told her a moany pigeon simply isn’t attractive. I also re-iterated his needs should be tended to more than likely on a daily basis, or at the very least once a week. She agreed to give this a go.
Then it was his turn:
He said he found talking about his feelings hard, and would rather keep his eyes shut. He also refused any sort of relaxation technique on account it being ‘fucking weird’. After we’d got all that out of the way, he said pretty much the same thing, but in reverse. That Kathleen didn’t put out, so he had to go elsewhere. He also said he was done with her incessant moaning, nagging and general dullness. I suggested he should give hopping on another try and that, through his desire to get it elsewhere, he’d lost sight of Kathleen’s inner beauty… It all went a bit wrong when I said I’d do her, so I retracted it and told him I meant in a metaphorical sense. He agreed to give it one more shot but was concerned that, even though it was a long time ago, he didn’t remember her being very good at it. I told him he should at least be open to the fact she could be taught. He seemed to like this idea.
So I left them both to it and felt pretty fucking proud of my hour’s work. We’ll see. I’ll pop back tomorrow and see if things between them have improved. In the meantime, any other pigeons out there fancy a few of Brian Pigeon’s top tips on how to maintain a successful and fruitful relationship, do let me know and I’ll happily oblige.