The Pigeon Lives To See Another Day

Bit like the millennium when everyone thought the world was going to get eaten by a giant cyber bug, yesterday was the day we were all supposed to disappear into one great big giant fucking black hole. Did we? Did we fuck.

Saying that, turns out there’s still time…

A load of scientists in Switzerland have built something called the Large Hadron Collider and are currently trying to fire these things called protons at eachother. Protons are smaller than atoms, and therefore invisible to the human eye. Proton dodging is, however, a popular recreational past time for the pigeon. My eyesight isn’t great so I’m a bit shit to be honest.

Anyway, firing protons at eachother has never been done before and is supposed to re-create the same thing that happened when the universe was made. Mental. So – best case scenario – it accidentally creates a whole new Universe. Bonus. Worst case – all it does is spit out another Switzerland. Ok – so there’d be a few more ski resorts to choose from, but that’s about it. The bit they kept a bit quieter is the vague possibility that a huge black hole would start up large enough to swallow the entire planet and everything on it therefore bringing the world of the pigeon to a rudely abrupt end, which would be a shame.

Risky business all round. Whole thing has cost £4.4 billion – kid you not. Far as I can gather, it’s one big underground ring 17 miles long, which begs the question – why didn’t they just use the Underground? Granted you’d have to seal off stations so the cheeky protons couldn’t escape, but firing protons at eachother using, for argument’s sake, the Circle Line, has got to be a damn site more cost effective. I’d say definitely cheaper than £4.4 billion. Surprise, surprise, turns out the yanks have stumped up a fair wad. Funny that seeing as they’re further away from the whole thing than anyone else. Probably hoped that by the time the black hole got to America, it might be full up. Everything and everyone else would be in the black hole, apart from America. Bet that’s the plan.

Like I say, we’re still here, but they haven’t actually collided protons yet. Not as such. They’ve fired a couple of beams at eachother, but nothing has actually ‘collided’ per se.

So, this afternoon I went out and about asking a couple of pigeons what they’d do if word got out that the world was about to end at, say, midnight. Asked them what they’d do for the rest of the day if this was the last one they were going to get.

First off, I asked Henry. This is Henry:

Henry said he’d probably go get himself a nice massage. Get rid of some of that neck tension. Then, more than likely, he’d fly into the nearest Pizza Express and tuck into the the first pizza he saw, especially if there was one with a pepperoni topping.

Then I asked Will and Kathleen. This is Will and Kathleen:

In all fairness, I think they’d just had a bit of a fallout.

She said she’d liked to go grab herself a bit of ‘me time’, whatever the fuck that is. He said he’d go shag the first sort he found and then sink his beak into a pint of creamy Guinness. Fair play.

Not sure what I’d do. Maybe have one more go at ‘The Eye Game‘ for old time’s sake? Not done that in ages.

Sadly, I don’t think we’d get much warning, so all this is pretty much by the by.

Here’s some more info on the whole deal.

September 11, 2008. Uncategorized.


  1. RoooRoooo replied:

    Dear Brian, working with the LHC, I can tell you that the end is not nigh – but if I were you and the end were nigh indeed, I’d go for a bit of shit or miss. Especially in Switzerland where they all are a bit poncey, if you ask me.

  2. Canaduck replied:

    Hm, hope things work out for Will and Kathleen. They do indeed look as if they’ve had a spat.

  3. pigeonblog replied:

    RoooRoooo: Do you really work with the LHC? Jesus. Scary stuff! What’s it like? Is it really as big as they say it is…? You’re right though – Shit or Miss – great idea. Spot on, or not which is usually the case with me!
    Your pal

    Canaduck: Quite fancy myself as a relationship counsellor, but for pigeons. With all the stresses in the Big City these days, I reckon I’d be kept pretty busy…
    Your pal
    Bri P

  4. Becci replied:

    Oops, Bri–“Canaduck” was me!

  5. pigeonblog replied:

    Becci: Ah ha!
    Your pal

  6. RoooRoooo replied:

    Indeed Brian, I work with the LHC and another accelerator called Tevatron, near Chicago. LHC is definitely as big and scary as it looks like, but hurling things at each other and smashing them is really funny.
    I adore the idea of you in marriage guidance. Maybe you could give it a try and let us know on your blog how you either glued broken hearts back together, or stole the lost girl, sorry, dove, from the fat-arsed chap?

  7. pigeonblog replied:

    RoooRoooo: Good on ya. Brave indeed. Gives comfort though to know you’re not shitting yourself. I guess if you’re not, then we should all be ok? Planning to visit Will and Kathleen on Sunday. See if things have improved. Will let you know!
    Your pal

  8. pigeonblog replied:

    RoooRoooo: p.s. if you’ve got any insider LHC info, let me know!
    Your pal

  9. RoooRoooo replied:

    Good luck with W and K – they seem a bit tough for a first time, though, so I’d bring a hammer just in case if I were you.
    As for insider info, depends on what you’d like. Are you interested with the who-sleeps-with-whom kind?

  10. Annie Mole replied:

    Brian – even from NYC your posts are still mad.

    Saw some of your mates in Central Park, you should fly out there sometime, you’d love it – city that never sleeps means 24 hour food!!

    Photo of one of em on a monument in Central Park –

  11. pigeonblog replied:

    Yo Annie Mole: Cheers for the pics. They rock! Looks like the sun’s shining over there too, which is nice. So – were there any pigeon folk catching the metro? That’s what I wanna know. Do the pigeons over there have balls as big as ours? I’d love to go hang out in NYC one day, only trouble is the jet lag. Not a good look for the pigeon!
    Your pal
    Bri P

  12. Marital Guidance, Pigeon Style « Pigeon Blog replied:

    […] Guidance, Pigeon Style Remember Will and Kathleen? The pigeon couple I interviewed a while back asking what they might do if the world was about to end and they only had one day […]

  13. Will and Kathleen – A Right Result « Pigeon Blog replied:

    […] This was where  their relationship was at when I first met them. Positively falling apart on every level. […]

  14. Tamala Pa replied:

    very informative

  15. Pizza Sandys replied:

    Very informative. Are you going to post more on this?

  16. Whole House Water Filter System replied:

    Dudes! This isnt to bad, i am browing your blog now and wanted to say Thanks for taking your time to write this

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