Pigeons – Both Positive, And Negative
These two stories got sent to me. One, a totally positive take on all things pigeon. The other, couldn’t be more negative if it tried, and it does. Jesus. So – as I reckon it’s always best to end on an up, here’s the down to kick things off. Sent to be by msai. It’s from some Aussie site called Feral and Bird Management, which kinda says it all. First off, and this is a fucking outrage, they compare us not only to the Crow, but the Sea Gull. The Sea Gull? What the fuck? As I’ve stated many times before, the Sea Gull is probably the dullest most uncultured bird on the planet. Apart from anything else, they have no sense of humour whatsoever, hence we call them ‘Dulls’. As for the Crow, enough said. Then, and check this out, they say we carry over 12 different diseases. They only manage to list 4 of them which, judging by the names, are clearly made up:
Histoplasmosis: A systemic fungal disease which affects the lymph nodes and the trachea and bronchi of the lung. Microscopic spores of this disease are contained in the dust particles of dried out faeces and are transmitted to humans when they become airborne via ceiling vents or air conditioning vents etc.
Aspergillosis: Another fungal disease that affects the ears, sinuses and lungs and may cause lesions and skin infections.
Toxoplasmosis: An influenza type disease that has serious debilitating consequences and is particularly dangerous to pregnant women.
Encephalitis: A viral disease, which can be transmitted to humans from the pigeon by mosquitoes.
Fuck’s sake. If we carried all these, don’t you think we’d have been extinct by now? Anyway, turns out they’re only flogging their anti-pigeon gear, surprise, surprise, which explains the reference to us hanging near ‘air-vents’. Had they asked me, I would have told them that no pigeon likes to sit anywhere fucking near an ‘air-vent’ due to the fact it sucks in air. Kind of like sticking your arse on the end of a vacuum cleaner. Why would anyone want to do that, particularly when arse feathers are easy enough to loose as it is, especially for the older pigeon. First thing to go are the arse feathers, and baldness of the arse is never a good look.
Then, to top it all, they clearly have no grasp of the English language either:
“Call us for a obligation free quote”, surely it’s ”an‘ obligation free quote’? Fuck wits.
Cheers for sending it, msai!
So – that’s the negative over and done with, now for the positive. This was sent to me by Tantie. It’s a story reported by John-Paul Flintoff on Timesonline that clearly outlines one of the obvious benefits of pigeon shit. A load of monks discovered that crayfish love the shit.
“Down below (the dovecote), the guano-enriched water encouraged substantial numbers of crayfish, in turn providing the monastery with useful protein”
Maybe, as John-Pual suggests, they stuck a couple in the fountains in Trafalgar Square along with a load of cray, Londoners could benefit too? Imagine it: “Roll up, roll up – get your fresh crayfish here courtesy of the London pigeon”. Be fucking great for PR. People would love us. Probably go down a bomb in the world the cray, but who gives a shit about cray? What have they ever done for us? Maybe I should contact Boris Knobon? See what he thinks…?
Cheers for sending it, Trantie!
Finally – I know I bang on and on about the weather, but I thought I’d show you why. This is what it does to the pigeon when it’s both wet, and cold:
The name’s Bernard. Came all the way down to London from Leicester on a weekend mini-break, and gets pissed on. No idea where to go, so he ends up under a tree. Poor fuck. I invited him back to mine tonight. Least I’ve got a small overhang to sit under. It’s not often I take on another ledge-mate, even just for the night. Kipping next to Mart is bad enough. Saying that, if he snores, it’s back to the tree he goes. Nothing worse than a snoring pigeon. Another instant dismissal will be the cracking of another unfunny joke. I’ll put the first one down to nerves. Any more and he’s off.