A Mental Night Was Had By All

The fallout of London getting a new boss was large. Every pigeon in town was right up for it in a big way. Have to say though, we were all a tad disappointed with his opening gambit telling us what he was planning to do next, and not a single mention of the pigeon. Nada. He talked it up big time about ‘uniting communities’ without even the smallest nod to one of London’s largest – the fucking pigeon community.

If you’re gonna deal in diversity, BJ, get it right. We pigeons are counting on you to make difference. Just sack the hawk and re-instate the right to graze on Trafalgar Square. That’ll do for starters. Saying that, I’ll let him off for now seeing as his head was probably banging just as loud as mine was. Love it that he gave up the booze during the campaign just in case he made a tit of himself. Hilarious. Bet he was downing them like a parched gazelle the other night though.

In the meantime, I got a nice note from Brian Paddick saying ‘thanks for the support’. This is how it ended:

“Apparently the best thing to do when you get thrown by a horse is get back in the saddle as soon as possible, although I wouldn’t know one end of a horse from another!

Thanks again everyone.

With every best wishes,


Bit weird, but there ya go. Probably a good thing he never got to be mayor if he’s not sure whether he can tell the difference between an arse and a mouth, especially on a horse. An eel maybe, but a horse?

Wonder what he’s gonna do next… Maybe he’ll go back to being a Policeman? Probably best not one of the ones who rides a horse, for the horse’s sake.

As for Ken, all he could do was go shopping. Hasn’t even got his shit together to update his homepage.

Anyway, back to the night to end all nights. The venue was already sorted before the result came out, just in case. No need for Derelict London this time, I’d found my own. Check it out.

It may look like your ordinary everyday boarded up derelict building:

But, no. Take a closer look:

Bang on. A neat and tidy pigeon sized window hole. Ok, so you’ve got to go gently with the wings getting in, but once you’re in, it’s fucking massive. A keen eye is needed to spot this kind of opportunity. Thankfully, I had one the other day.

As expected we managed to find some inappropriate leftovers knocking about with just enough left inside to stir up a nice little buzz, and we were off. Had to turn some away in the end when it started to get a bit full and out of control. Sweating my arse off I was.

We poured out at dawn with the well bad munchies and hit Upper Street, where we chanced upon this:


I think the fact were were still pissed up meant we forgot this particular piece of pizza was in the middle of the road. Jesus. Couple of us came damn close to joining it in its flatness. Apologies for the picture quality. Someone else took it. I was laughing too much at Mart who was asking a nearby traffic light if it wanted to dance.

Then, with a belly full of sweetcorn, a load of us went down to the river and hung out. Even ‘Oh-is-that-the-time Doug’ stuck around managing to muster up a fine early morning rendition of Boris’s acceptance speech:

“I say, Ken old chap, why don’t you fuck off? I’m mayor now and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Listen up London, coz I’m The Daddy! Do you hear me? You’re mine. All mine!”

Totally pissed ourselves. Not laughed like that for fucking ages. It was nice too coz I was out with old mates and none of the so-called new ones, which meant I’d had an ‘inappropriate mauling’ free night.

Yesterday was a write off. Mart and me hit the ledge around lunchtime, and stayed there. Didn’t even manage to shove off to shit, which meant this morning was mainly spent cleaning. Worth it though. So now I’m back at ‘L’s and all is good in the world, or a bit better at least.

May 4, 2008. Uncategorized.

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