Nuts Pigeon Lady
There we were strolling through St James’s Park all beefed up and raring to go with the planning for our very own National Pigeon Day – see post below – when we came across this. Jesus Christ. First I thought she was ladling out some bread bits, so I moved in for a closer look.
Then I heard what she was saying. Mental.
“Come. Come closer my pretties. No, not you, you foul urban dragnets with your blinky eyes and breath like mustard (presume that means us…). My woodies. My dear sweet wondrous woodies. Woodies are my friends (oh dear…). Go forth. Fly fast to the hills with your pretty white neckerchiefs. Go gather your armies at dawn. Rise up against those all dressed in grey. Rise up and fight the evil ones who seek to bring you down. Collect your flocks of woody perfection and together we shall crush them, for they are the enemy. Take heed of the actions of the pelican…”
“What the fuck’s she on about?”
“No idea, mate.”
Then it got nasty.
“I said GO! Go now before it is too late. Before the seed of London be theirs! Hear what I say, or be damned! Damned to hell!”
They both fucked off just after I took this. Reckon they were pretty taken aback by the whole affair. Hardly surprising, not that I much like the so-called ‘woody’. No particular reason other than the notable absence of a sense of humour. As for her – scary stuff. Thankfully, the woodies she chatted to were from Kent and had no idea what she was on about, which was a good thing seeing as this is the very park where a pelican wolfed down a pigeon called Alf only last year.
That said, if you click on the link you’ll see the whole thing was one big mistake. Poor Derek’s still in therapy, apparently…
Any wood pigeons out there who happen to bump into this total nutter, don’t listen to her. She’s clearly utterly fucking barking.