The NY Pigeon Czar

Fritz sent me this link. Cheers Fritz! New York has got so pissed with the pigeons, it’s given up on the hawks and is thinking of employing a ‘Pigeon Czar’. Jesus.

You can watch the story here.

They’re actually gonna pay someone to stand around all day telling the pigeons to go hang elsewhere. Nice job. Maybe I should apply? Go see Mayor Bloomberg – tell him the only voice the pigeons will listen to is that of another pigeon…

Then, I could go round coughing on pigeons saying I’ve got bird flu, they’d all fuck off, and I’d be left on my own in NY. An English Pigeon in New York with all the snacks I could wish for. Only trouble is a) I’d feel bad and, b) when they found out it was a wind up they’d cover me in mayo, stuff me into a bagel and eat me for breakfast. Besides, the Brooklyn pigeons are well scary and probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway.

Tell you what tho – whoever gets the job had better watch out. Pigeons hate being told what to do, especially by someone who don’t speak the lingo. Anyone out there who sees some bloke in a hat walking down 5th Avenue covered head to toe in pigeon shit being circled by an angry flock, you’ll know it’s the Pigeon Czar.

There’s talk in the skies that sticking birth control into pigeon food could be something else they might try. Fucking joke. Most of us don’t know how to use a condom anyway, and even if we did, they kill the passion, are well fiddly to put on and are often rendered useless by holes pierced by the beak or toe.

Bang out of order too. Choking on rubber’s got to be a horrible way to go, and what if a baby pigeon gets one stuck on its head and suffocates? Doesn’t bear thinking about.