Battle of Trafalgar 2006 – Brian Pigeon Style
Trafalgar Square in the good old days…
Got sent this from the really effective – not – STTSP:
URGENT ACTION ALERT!
You are being sent this message because you kindly offered to take part in
our “Action Alert” scheme on behalf of the Trafalgar Square Pigeons. The
time has come for us to ask you to make your first protest!"
This pissed me off – told em' before I already got over 320 signatures on my 'Give Pigeons A Chance' campaign – not bad for a pigeon – they showed fuck all interest. Told 'em coz I thought they'd be chuffed a real pigeon wanted to help out. Even said I could get some mates together for a protest. Nada. Mind you, at least they give a shit now – better than nothing.
It went on…
"It has emerged that Westminster City Council has applied to the Department for the Environment and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) for a ban on the feeding of pigeons on the North Terrace of Trafalgar Square and in other “problem areas” of Westminster. As you know there has been rogue feeding by a tiny handful of people on the north terrace. A consequence is that the GLA is threatening to end our deal. If they do so, we will, of course, continue to feed the birds in defiance of the GLA. This would, under existing laws, be illegal on the Square itself. We would therefore need to feed on the North Terrace – and if this byelaw is passed, feeding here, too, will be illegal, with the consequence that STTSP volunteers will risk fines and court appearances for trying to prevent the birds from starving."
Out-fucking-rageous! North Terrace can be a total life saver, esp when you're knackered and can't be arsed to find a throwaway.
Then, top it all, Ken snuk in a 'Restoration of Nelson's Column' at the same time. All seemed like a quite nice idea – give Nelson a bit of a clean. None of us pigeons really minded – tad inconvenient for a couple of days, but nicer to sit on when it's done.
Then – I read the small print:
"general cleaning to remove pigeon guano and pigeon proofing of minor areas."
Jesus Christ. What's going on? Found this article in The Guardian – A bit of 'pigeon proofing of minor areas' my arse:
"For Nelson's Column, we're putting mesh over the bronze acanthus, and spikes just above the bas-relief to prevent the birds from landing and roosting. Our main concern is making pigeon-deterrence visually acceptable."
Spikes? Mesh? What the fuck?
Turns out job's being done by David Ball Restoration Ltd. -same company who sorted Marble Arch a while back. We didn't mind that one so much coz Marble Arch was a bit of a shithole anyway. Too many Kilburn pigeons knocking about.
Anyway – urgent action is needed. Been chatting to some of my mates on The Square – gonna hold an emergency meeting tomorrow – get a plan together.
Already got Stage 1 going. Fucking funny coz looks like they've sussed it already:
"Across the square from Nelson, the birds are fighting a rearguard action, making a desperate last stand on Marc Quinn's statue of Alison Lapper."
Might even suggest a mass fly by? Cover Ken's offices in shit? Something like that…?
Be a fucking laugh too coz they're round and made of glass and prob a real bastard to clean.
If you haven't done it already, sign the 'Give Pigeons A Chance' petition NOW. Gonna give it to Ken, personally, gonna get the press there and gonna drop him a large one on my way out.
Ken – we need to eat, and we need to shit so leave us the fuck alone.
This IS The Battle of Trafalgar – Brian Pigeon style.