Dodgy Throwaway and Another Pigeon Myth Sorted

Sorry – slightly late post due to the fact I’d been up all night with the dodgiest pigeon arse I’ve had in a long time. Went to Ali’s for a throwaway – hit the usual Chinkie – chose the sweet ‘n sour chicken – mistake.

This is what it looked like on the menu:

 

Which is nowhere fucking near what it looked like in real life. Jesus.

Add to that I was stuck in Slough. Tbh it was probably karma for choosing it in the first place. ‘Do not not eat your fellow bird’. Them’s the rules. Anyway – struggled back along the M4 this avo, shitting all the way. Apologies to those who got it on the windscreen.

Nasty business and reminded me of an email I got a while back from a bloke called Alex. Alex asked me why we pigeons shat on statues – or ‘works of art’ as he called them – debatable. Time to sort out another pigeon myth…

Contrary to popular belief, we hate shitting in public. It’s just we have no say in it. It’s like this; how would you feel if you were walking along and suddenly, out of nowehere, a huge turd just ‘fell out’ of your arse? 

We pigeons get no warning, nothing – one minute we’re flying along, the next, out it comes. It’s embarassing and, frankly, degrading. But that’s how it is, and short of wearing pigeon pants, there’s fuck all we can do about it.

So – we figured out a solution to at least deal with the shame up.

What looks worse:

  1. Walking along the pavement when out of the blue, one drops? This is both unpleasant and looks odd as you have to stop for a min to finish off.
  2. Having one drop whilst flying? Not nice for anyone below – unless you mean to do it in which case it’s fucking funny.
  3. Standing, quietly musing, on a statue? A pigeon standing still on a statue doesn’t look odd. Not even slightly.

Obv the statue thing was the only way to go. Sorry, but now you know, not much of a choice.

So, next time you want to give a pigeon a hard time for shitting on a ‘work of art’ – think again and remember, we hate ourselves for it too.

March 22, 2006. Uncategorized.

7 Comments

  1. mumsie replied:

    butt plugs?

  2. gaminghobo replied:

    Surely that would just lead to the unsightly explosion of pigeons in mid-air. Not exactly pleasant for people or pigeons.

  3. pigeonblog replied:

    Mumsie: Nice idea! Not sure where I can get them pigeon size though… any ideas?!
    Your pal
    Brian P

    Gaminghobo: Might help to hold it in long enough to find a decent statue though?
    Your pal
    Bri P

  4. Clare replied:

    I’m sorry, but pigeon nappies are quite clearly the only way to go. Maybe you could get reusable ones, and wash them in the Thames?

  5. pigeonblog replied:

    Clare: Did look into the whole nappie thing. Washing them in the Thames is a good idea but, tbh, there’d be loads who couldn’t be arsed, and piles of shitty pigeon nappies lying around would only give us more bad press.
    Your pal
    Bri P

  6. Steve replied:

    Brian I think your missing a huge opportunity here mate. You’ve heard of guano, right? Bat shit. In some countries, they make a mint out of that shit (and i’m not talking about the type you suck on, know what I mean?). What you need to do my feathery friend, is find a way to market your poo. You need to make it trendy and you need to make people believe that they need it in their lives. How you do that, is your business – but the seed of thought has been sown mate – treat it carefully. Peace be to you, Brian.

    P.S. I think people should be grateful and realise how lucky they are. Look at how many pidgeons there are in this country – and I would say the amount of poo hitting people’s heads is fairly minimal when you take the numbers into account – i reckon you pidgeons are more considerate than people give credit for – its all relative, is’nt it?

  7. pigeonblog replied:

    Steve: Love the thought of going commercial on the poo front… Top idea! Maybe sell in that it gets rid of bags when rubbed in gently under the eye? Or how about a simple botox substitute… We do our best to make sure it only hits those who deserve it – hilarious coz we know they always reckon it’s good luck! People are weird!
    Your pal
    Bri P

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