Year Of The Rabbit. WTF?
Yet again the pigeon has been bypassed by the Chinese. Thrown a large swerve-ball in favour of the rabbit. Eh? Year of the fucking rabbit? Last year it was a tiger, year before that, Ox. Before that it was a rat, then a pig, then a dog, then a fucking rooster, a monkey, a sheep, a horse, a snake and a dragon. That’s pretty much every animal on the fucking planet covered, and not a pigeon in sight. They even shoe-horned one in there that doesn’t exist. Totally made up. A dragon. Jesus, Chinese people. Where’s the pigeon in all this? Surely we’ve done enough good things now to make the list? I’d say we’ve certainly done more for the planet than most of those, with the possible exception of a sheep, and maybe a tiger. And really though, a rooster? At least a rabbit looks alright with the fur and the ears. Who wants to spend a year looking at a wrinkled old bird face wearing a fleshy man-glove? No thanks.
We were gonna head down to Chinatown on Sunday to watch the celebrations but couldn’t face all the smug rabbits looking at us with their smug eyes. Mart suggested we should interview one. See what their pov is on the whole affair. I think I know where one lives. A massive one locked away in a cage, probably for its own safety. May swing by later. See what it’s got to say for itself. In the meantime, I thought I’d try to get to the bottom of what rabbits have done to make them so special.
As expected, there isn’t much out there apart from the fact they shag a lot. If all you need to get a year is a healthy libido, I know a few pigeons who deserve a fucking decade.
Here’s one fact I found:
A list of the most famous rabbits. Funnily enough, bar one, all of them are fictional. Where are the life saving rabbits of WW2 ducking the bullets carrying messages to the front line? Eh? Nowhere to be seen, unlike the pigeon.
And here’s another:
‘Rabbits can purr like a cat when happy.’ Wow. Purr like a cat. Well done. Fucking genius. Here, have a whole year to celebrate the fact you can do a half decent cat impression. I should send the Chinese my mate Doug doing his.
Here he is last summer doing it. Meowing for hours he was:
‘The average weight of a rabbit is between 2-20lb. The heaviest ever recorded weighed 26lb 7oz.’ In my view, obesity should not be celebrated under any circumstances, especially in this day and age. If anything, the rabbit should be stripped of its year to promote healthy eating. I don’t think openly celebrating an animal that regularly suffers from weight gain sends out the right message at all.
‘The longest jump featured in the Guinness Book of Records was 3 metres.’ Okay, that’s not bad for a single jump, but what about finding your way home by flying across the fucking Atlantic? Bet if you gave a rabbit a canoe it couldn’t even navigate its way to Calais, and that’s basically just a straight line.
So, for the last time, let’s do it. Let’s give the pigeon a year. 2012. Year of the pigeon.
Bring it on.