Kung Fu Squirrels

How’s this for scary shit. Looks like the squirrels are planning a comeback in quite a big way – using the highly skilled art of Kung Fu. What the fuck?

Shit you not:

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Fat Jesus. Thankfully, word on the street is the main training centre is based in Namibia and therefore costly and hard to get to for the average London squirrel. Reckon it’s only a matter of time though. Check out the size of the tents.

Spoke to Mart about it and he suggested we come up with something of our own. I told him Karate was quite complicated and would probably take way too long to learn, and also that pigeon sized machetes were going to be hard to come by this time of year, so we landed on Kickboxing as a viable alternative. Apart from anything else, as it’s leg based, it combats the obvious disadvantage of having wings which can often get in the way when attempting to learn any new sport. So – Kickboxing it is. Can’t be that hard, surely?

Spent the afternoon hunting down fit young pigeons up for a challenge. Here’s one we managed to find – Keith. Keith is a practicing Buddhist and has always wanted to pursue a martial art in order to help him ‘focus the mind’. I told him Kickboxing was just the thing.

Here he is giving it a go:

Frankly, I’m not sure how much damage that would do when faced with an angry Kung Fu squirrel, but I’m hoping he’ll improve in time.

Then I came across this lot who were right up for it:

Particularly the dude on the right. Definitely more promising than Keith. Also seems to have mastered the menacing stare. Vital in any martial art situation. The plan now is to spread the word and get as many pigeons as possible across London to learn or at least think about Kickboxing as a means of self-defense coz once those Kung Fu squirrels get over here, it’s gonna be fucking carnage.