Ok, so it was only a matter of time before word got out on my whereabouts.

Rocked up at ‘L’s yesterday and there he was bold as you like sat outside her window.

Been there for hours, apparently.

Soon as he heard the sound of my flaps, he turns round and goes:

“Bri - mate. Dude. It’s me, Rocky. Rocky from Edgeware. Remember me?”

I said I’d never seen him before and told him to fuck off.

The thing is, since the whole fame thing kicked in, it’s been happening alot. Random pigeons pitching up from nowhere pretending like they know me. Freaks.

He tries again: “Bri - it’s Rocky. Let me in will you…? Pal…?”

I told him to stop being a mental cunt and to get his arse off the sill.

Then it all went a bit weird:

“Ok, Brian Pigeon. You don’t know me, but I know you. I know everything about you. I know where you go to at night and I watch you while you sleep.”

Now I was scared. Jesus Christ. This dude really was a mental cunt.

“Let me in, Brian. I can make it all better. It’s meant to be. You and me. The two of us. We can go away somewhere. Somewhere nice. Somewhere we can be alone. I know places and I can show you things. Lots of things. Shiny things that will make you happy. I can make you happy, Brian…”

Then he just sat there, stared into the faraway, and went on and on about ‘all the lovely things we could do together’ and how we could be ‘pigeons in perfect harmony’. Fuck’s sake.

After a while, I stopped listening. I figured it was the only way to get rid of him. Ignore him and hope he goes away. It worked. He sloped off in the end. It’s bad enough having a stalker, but a mentalist gay stalker? If I have to have a stalker, can’t it be some sexed up gagging for it chick with everything to give and nothing to loose?

‘L’ said if he rocks up again she’ll tell him I’ve re-located to Wales. In the meantime, I am going to move ledges asap just in case he really does watch me while I sleep. Scary shit.