Jesus Christ. What the fucks going on with the weather? One minute it’s blowing a hurricane, the next it’s chucking down an arctic storm. Unbelievable, and no fun whatsoever for the pigeon. It’s so cold one of my toes got completely stuck to a lamp post. Then, when I finally managed to free myself, I get a snowflake in the eye. Decided to give up on the day and check out the nearest indoor venue using my favourite site - Derelict London.

Found this little beauty:

Can’t believe I hadn’t spotted it before. It’s just round the corner from where I live, and has the added bonus of the promise of alcohol.

Sadly, the boards were impenetrable and I had to give up. Damn shame. Could have been the perfect way to spend a chilly Saturday. A moment’s nuzzle in the carpet and I would have been off my nut. Oh well.

Then I found this:

Been meaning to check it out for ages. It’s a pet shop in Camden that has been taken over by talking parrots, apparently.

Rumour has it they got fed up with always having to say the old same thing all the time just to please the tourists, so they told the owners to fuck off and that they were running the show from now on. Bring it on.

Went off to find Mart to see if he wanted to join me. I reckon if we sidled up to the window and shivered a bit, they might just let us in…

After flying about in the freezing cold for ages, I eventually found him trying to warm his arse on a burger box:

He’d been there for ages rubbing himself all over it. I told him that a discarded box meant the hot steamy burger interior had already been consumed and, as a consequence, the box was only ever going to get colder.

He thought that the burgers prepared themselves inside the boxes, and the fact it was shut meant one was in there right now cooking away. Easy mistake I guess, if you’re fucking stupid.

He rejected the idea of partying with the parrots on account of the fact he’d heard that a monkey was running the joint now, and a monkey was never going to entertain the idea of hanging out with a couple of pigeons, cold or otherwise.

Fair point.

So we spent the rest of the day ledgbound debating whether this was indeed the start of the next ice age… We also discussed whether we should launch a range of small portable heaters? Something that could be strapped to the back to provide instant all over body warmth? Or how about the furry hot water bottle hat? Call it the ‘Hottie Hat’?

“Make cold heads a thing of the past with the Hottie Hat. For the pigeon-about-town, the Hottie Hat will travel with you wherever you go. Attached using an easy to tie chin strap and available in black, blue and pink for the ladies. Keep it warm night and day with a Hottie Hat.”

Reckon it’s a total winner.