So – that’s it. Christmas is over. Had quite a good one in the end as it goes. Not quite as good as last year, but still good. Just the right balance of friends and fine dining.
This is Mart about to stuff his load down the South Bank:
Then we staggered up to Hoxton for a spot of outdoor poetry courtesy of Elliot and the boys. Remember Elliot? We used to hang out quite alot, back in the day…
As it was Christmas, he went for this – ‘A Child’s Christmas In Wales’ by Dylan Thomas. I told him it was a bit dull, totally predictable and way too fucking long. Said he should have gone for something more like this – ‘Grand Pianos and Half-shaped Moons’. Nothing to do with Christmas and makes no sense whatsoever. He told me to fuck off and said I didn’t know what I was on about. Think he took it personally. Never mind. It was all ok in the end and we laughed about it later over a puddle of beer.
We also spent a while debating the virtues of online catchup TV following the launch of the BBC’s iPlayer. I said it was a computer-literate pigeon’s dream and told him I was looking forward to watching the ‘Extras Christmas Special’. He said it devalued television but was glad it was streaming as well as download so Mac users could use it too – a good point – especially from one who’s never been anywhere near a computer, to the best of my knowledge.
Anyway – moving on – this is for you, Rooo Roooo. It was sent to me by Michael. Cheers Michael! It’s a post that appeared in the Paris Daily Photo covering a bunch of French protesting about some pigeon cull. The French love the pigeon! Vive la France! Shame it’s not more like that over here…
Pigeon Rachel sent me this – cheers Rachel! Apparently, it’s official – pigeons in London are starving. They’ve done some tests and this was what they discovered:
- The autopsy report said: “All were found to be in poor bodily condition and although in some of the birds there was evidence of recent feeding… the gizzard of all birds was empty.”
Jesus. Any pigeon could have told them that and saved them the cash.
As it’s all Ken’s fault he’s unlikely to either care, or do anything about it, so I’ve decided to step in and raise awareness.
Thinking I might host Pigeon Aid – bit like Live Aid, but for pigeons. Get Elliot up there with a couple of poems…? See if The Pigeon Detectives are up for headlining…? Ask Noel Fielding if he would’t mind telling a few jokes or painting a happening backdrop…? What do you reckon?
Stop Press. Rumour has it that the reindeer have gone on strike and Santa’s taken to ‘an alternative form of transport’… Then a pal to the pigeons, called Id, spotted him rowing along the Thames – in Staines.
He sent me this pic:
Tell you what tho – all you kids in Wales, dream on. No way Santa’s gonna get to you this year…
Cheers for the pic, Id!
This is the Christmas card we made:
Happy Holidays from me, Mart and the boys.
Apologies if it looks a bit posed. It was Mart’s idea. Him and Gordon giving it large on the mystery stare behind me with Fipsy looking up in silent admiration. Bit naff, but there ya go.
So – have a good one, whatever you’re up to. I’m staying local this year, thankfully. May visit the Hoxton boys at some point. Best chance of some decent scran up East. West End’s usually pretty dead apart from the odd tourist wandering about wondering where everyone is… happy days.
Sorry for not posting – RSI got the better of me – see post below – so I slipped off for a couple of day’s to a Pigeon retreat in the country.
This is it:
Lovely it was. Surrounded by palm trees. Just chilled out really. Did some thinking. Well, frankly, did lots of thinking – fuck all else to do. Think and eat and fly around a bit. Fly around a bit, then eat, then think a bit more. Feel lots better for it tho and getting back in the swing of London ready for Christmas. Mart is wetting his feathers about it all. Best bit about Christmas in London is it’s top throwaway season.
Here’s Simon tucking into a bit of Christmas pud no less.
All a bit much in the end and he chucked up shortly after.
So – this got me thinking – Brian Pigeon’s Guide To London – not done that for a while, so how about I shift focus from ledges to food? London’s Best Throwaways?
“Any pigeons out there thinking of visiting London – check out Pigeon Blog for the best free eats in town. Most romantic, best for all the family, lowest carbs, best Indian, best Chinese…” What do you think?
Nothing much doing this week, or this weekend come to that. Was gonna head down The Square to check out the Christmas Tree – always a seasonal favourite of the pigeon – first one to shit on the star. Can’t be arsed though with the weather like it is – and they reckon it’s only going to get worse. So, I’ve decided to declare myself ledgbound. It’s warm-ish, and dry, and just round the corner from my office, which, RSI pending – see post below, means I can piss around on the internet all day if I so desire. Rock on.
Thought I’d start off with a couple of games and found this one on the BBC website. It’s called the ‘casualty challenge nurse game’ and is linked to a TV show the BBC makes called ‘Holby City‘. Holby City is all about ill people who are in hospital having fallen off ladders or electrocuted themselves after changing a light bulb whilst standing in a bowl of water. Anyway – always a fan of giving a game a go – providing it’s relatively gentle on the beak to toe manoeuvres – can’t be doing with the fast reaction stuff – I thought I’d have a bash.
First off, some animated bloke tells you what to do, and then you get to be nurse. All you have to do then is put pictures into boxes in the same order he’s just told you. Tricky decisions are required like: Do you get the bandage from the bandage cupboard before putting it on? Do you stuff the patient full of pills, or ask him how he’s feeling first? Do you take a blood sample before or after sticking the needle in his arm? So – the bottom line is – unless you are completely stupid, or a goldfish, this game is a total and utter piece of piss. Disturbingly, however, I still managed to get one wrong, but I swear it was just because I pressed the wrong button in error.
The nice thing is they send you a certificate if you do well.
Here’s mine. I passed:
I can’t quite believe that’s all it takes to become a nurse tho… scary stuff. No-one even asked me if I was a pigeon, so guess they’re not that fussed… maybe coz the pay’s so shit they can’t be that choosy these days? So – now I’m qualified, apparently, anyone out there know where Holby is?
If you want to qualify as a nurse and go work at Holby – click here.
First off – ‘m’ commented to say I should update more. Fair play to ‘m’. Spot on. I’ve been slack of late due largely to the cold snap, and the fact my ledge is really quite warm. Also, ‘The Amazing Dancing Pigeon’ comic took fucking ages – see post below – and I found I’d developed RSI of the beak. Pretty common in pigeons living in London, apparently. The doc said I had to be more careful and should think about giving up Pigeon Blog. He said ‘blogging was no past-time for a pigeon and I should stop typing or, at the very least, use an ergonomic keyboard – one a bit like this one‘. I pointed out that ergonomic keyboards weren’t designed to beat beak fatigue in any way and if he thought I’d even consider giving up Pigeon Blog just coz of a mildly irritating throbbing beak muscle, he could fuck off. I also told him that he didn’t understand the world of the blogger, and probably never would. He took offence at this point but gave me the number anyway of a pigeon specialising in pigeon rehabilitation through physio, which was nice of him, all things considered. Have to say, I’m kinda looking forward to a bit of a beak rub. It’s been a while…
However – RSI or no RSI – still no excuse for an absence of posts. Promise to try harder in future and breathe through the pain.
Anyway – this is mental – sent to me by Pigeon Rachel:
A pigeon-guided missile tracking device from 1944.
Cheers for sending it, Rachel! Goes to show that pigeons in the olden days didn’t have it so good afterall… imagine the pressure. Also clearly demonstrates how the pigeon has been a trusted saviour of the world for a long time now and therefore deserves far greater respect than that often given. You know who you are. Think on.