Year Of The Pig – Yeah Right

Ok – so this year, so the Chinese say, is the Year of The Pig. Why? Did pigs do something special recently we don’t know about? Is that how it works? If it is, then pigs did something special in 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983 and 1995.

Did they help invent the self winding watch in 1923? I don’t think so.

How about the first canned beer in 1935? Not fucking likely – pigs are T-total for starters.

Or what about the tupperware seal in 1947?

1959 – was it pigs that put together the first microchip?

What the fuck did they do that was great in 1971? Come up with the VCR?

1983? The Apple Lisa…? Really don’t think Steve Jobs would have spent hours round the boardroom table with a bunch of pigs.

So that just leaves us with 1995. I know – the DVD!

Load of old bollocks. I bet the pig never invented anything, ever – apart from, possibly, the art of snorting shit through the left nostril.

Then, not only do the Chinese clearly reckon pigs did loads of great things, they also say if you’re born in a pig year, you’re ‘highly regarded for your chivalry and pureness of heart, and you often make friends for life’.

All a pig does is lie about in shit all day grunting at its fellow pigs, hardly the sign of someone trying to make ‘a friend for life’. Jesus.

I should get in touch with whoever makes these decisions and suggest a ‘Year of The Pigeon’. What do you reckon? Loads more deserving. Ok – so we didn’t invent the DVD, but, then again, neither did the pigs.

How about 2006 – the Year of the Pigeon. Why? Because a London pigeon called Brian got off his feathery arse, learned how to type, and set up a blog. If that’s not deserving of getting a year, I don’t know what is?