Someone asked me the other day, “Where is a pigeon’s cock?” Scarily, my reply had to be, “I’ve no fucking idea.” Sad but true. I really had no clue whatsoever. Jesus. I knew there had to be something going on coz when you shag, it’s quite nice. Truth is tho, I’ve no idea what.
Whatever it is, it’s underneath and, having never stood over a mirror to have a look, I’ve never seen it. Neither have I ever asked anyone else to have a butchers – obviously – that would be weird. All that ‘being hung like a…’ has passed us pigeons by. Damn shame. All we know is baby pigeons happen, and piss has got to come out of somewhere…
Decided to spend the weekend trying to find out by asking some mates. Pretty soon though, after one too many: “Excuse me, would you mind showing me your cock?”, I started to feel a little too much like Jonathan King.
Soon realised the internet was a far safer bet – but what I found out was shocking – fucking totally – so much so I’m probably going to keep it quiet. We pigeons don’t have cocks at all – we’ve got holes, just like lady pigeons. Nightmare – called a CLOACA. No thrusting member – our passport to pigeonhood is a fucking hole.
Anyway – like I say – gonna keep it quiet. Reckon it could rock the pigeon community big time, never mind the tsunami it would send into the whole ongoing pigeon gender issue – ref male and female pigeons breastfeeding their kids at the same time. Mental.
May have to lay low for a while – get over the shock of it all.
Last week – when it was really windy and most of us birds hung out in places where it wasn’t so windy – the flamingos at Drusillas Zoo Park clearly didn’t get it. Not even slightly.
One of them, called Florence, was standing there minding her own business probably thinking: “Fuck me it’s windy”, the next minute she got blown away. Kid you not. Check it out. Pissed myself. Serves you right for being poncey and pink!
This is what happened, apparently:
Reckon the whole standing on one leg thing deserves a re-think for starters… mind you – word on the street is she’s having a right old time of it now stuffing her face on carbs. Fair play.
Turns out even the famous artist Picasso loved the pigeon.
He did this:
A really colourful pic full of loads of pigeons. He called them ‘Doves’, but really they were just pigeons enjoying the view and getting it on a bit – and a very nice view it is. Wish I could have a bit of that tbh instead of this Arctic shit. Global colding sucks.
Talking about ‘enjoying’ the view – not sure what to make of the new London skyline. Apparently there’s going to be loads more skyscraper type buildings. Bring it on I say, apart from one thing – no window ledges for pigeons to chill on – none whatsoever.
Check this out for starters – the latest of London’s new buildings – The Gherkin:
It’s the one in the middle that looks a bit like this:
Just the other way up. Ate one once. Bits of it hiding under a burger bun. Fucking nasty.
Anyway – bottom line is – buildings built to look like veg – but without any thought for the pigeon. Couple of mates tried to hang out on The Gherkin roof one day – till they found out there wasn’t a roof – just a big old spike. Still getting flashbacks now, apparently.
Course Ken’s doing it on purpose. Next on his list of round buildings: The Satsuma. Nice one, Ken. We’ve got your number.
Obv your fear of the pigeon is the reason you have to work in the roundest of buildings ever built:
Truth is – we don’t need no sills. Reckon we should fly up to your window and just stare at you a while. Then you’d really shit yourself.
It always amazes me how people get here – everyday someone does by typing ‘pigeon porn’ into Google. Kid you not. That means there are loads of total weirdos out there looking for pigeons who do porn. Jesus Christ. As you know, pigeons are at it all the time anyway so why the fuck would we want to make movies about it?
To all those utter freaks in search of some ‘hot pigeon on pigeon action’… just look out of your window! Go to any park at any time. Walk down the street. You’ll see more of it out there than you’ll ever find on the internet. Guess the only difference is you won’t be able to get off on it coz, if you did, I’m pretty sure you’d be arrested – and probably sectioned.
What’s funny though is I’m number one. Top of 643,000 refs for pigeon porn on Google. Ok – so I mentioned it once when I took a couple of pics of some horny dudes getting it on in Chiswick, but really.
Maybe the well dodgy term ‘Pigeon Fancier’ is in fact referring to a searcher of pigeon porn? If that’s the case, there’s fucking millions of them out there.
Maybe I’m missing a trick…?
Big day out at the weekend – me & Mart headed to Brighton. It kinda happens every year around this time.
Mart wanted to be a Rocker – till I told him Rockers liked Elvis, but Mods were into cool stuff like Desmond Dekker and The Animals. Soon as Mart found out The Animals did a great cover of ‘Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood‘ – a favourite of the pigeon – he changed his mind.
Mart said we should go down on one of these:
I said we’d look like twats. Also pointed out we wouldn’t be able to reach the brakes, steer, or stop at traffic lights. So we flew – along with the rest of the boys. Straight down the A23. Quite a nice route as it goes.
Here I am in Brighton ‘heading off the Rockers’ – doing a classic by The Who – got us right in the mood:
“People try to put us d-down (talkin bout my generation)
People try to put us d-down (talkin bout my generation)
Just because we get around (talkin bout my generation)
Just because we get around (talkin bout my generation)”
And here’s Mart doing the ‘talkin about my generation’ bit:
It was all good till he started tapping his foot. Jesus.
And here’s what happened at Pidgeophenia…
Just getting going:
There’s us lot hanging out on the beach – with the dulls starting to rock up top left.
Then some bits of bread get chucked in the air – and it’s all on:
Here are the dulls telling us to ‘get the fuck off their patch’.
And here’s Del telling one of them to ‘stick it where the sun don’t shine':
Seeing as dulls are a bit sensitive about that kind of thing…
He did a runner!
Here’s Paulo catching up with one he got matey with last year:
I had a right go – told him never to trust a dull. Five minutes later and the same fucker only does a swoop down on Mart just as he was having his pic taken:
Poor bastard nearly shat himself.
Top day all round. Ended up staying down there. Some of the dulls were alright as it goes. Must be something about Brighton. We even hung out a bit after – apart from Mart who went a bit quiet – said he just wanted to ‘watch the sea for a while’.
Seems like the whole anti-Ken being anti-pigeon thing is kicking off big style – and it’s only January 3rd. Wicked.
Found this on the STTSP site. Pissed myself.
Then – the other day – there was a bit of a protest going on in Trafalgar Square. Not quite up to my gathering last year
My pal, Annie Mole, told me about it, and sent me this:
Cheers Annie! Shame I didn’t know about it before tho – would have got loads more of us down there. Free seed and everthing, apparently.
Tbh, most of us London pigeons had fucked off out of the West End by then and, judging by the total lack of interest from these two – esp the one on the right – you can see why. Just a couple of half cut out-of-towners staggering around on the New Year piss up. Twats.
Annie sent me this too:
It’s the leaflet they were giving out.
Couple of corrections on the facts:
‘Pigeons can navigate hundreds of miles’ – true, just not when pissed or over-excited. We can get lost just like every other mother and end up having to ask for directions or, in my case, breaking into the nearest cyber caff to get on Googlemaps.
‘Both sexes feed their young with their own milk’ – believe me, only when absolutely necessary.
There’s an address at the bottom of the leaflet to write to or – even better – sign my ‘Give Pigeons A Chance’ petition – then me and a bunch of moody pals can drop it off when we finally get round to the mass fly-by over Ken’s gaff!
Even the mighty Londonist had a pop at Ken. Nice one! They listed all the things people they interviewed in 2006 said about Ken. I’m quoted in there – and this is from Andy Overall from the ‘Fungi To Be With’ mushroom club: “Treat those the way in which you wish to be treated yourself” – see poster above.
This is the best bit – put Ken Livingstone and Brian Pigeon into Googlefight – it’s a close call:
Ken – 1,350,000
Brian – 1,110,000
Watch your arse, Ken. I’m right behind you!
‘Brian Pigeon for Mayor’ – that could work…